Question is... "what is a favorite pastime of our friends down under?" BTW thanks to my OzN & Kiwi fan(s) for tuning into WBAB on a regular basis. Now that I've got your attention I'll proceed with the topic of today's blog-- THE BUSH, you know (nudge, nudge) the real bush down under?
One could accuse me of a pathetic attempt to get my blog stats soaring like the thermometer over N. America with a discussion so literally touchy and personal as The Bush-- and dad gum it, you'd be right. But I'd like to get my readers "feel" on this "hot" topic.
Recently it was brought to my attention that girls are having a depilatory procedure performed that will permanently deforest their bush. "Egad and Ick" say I. Baby girls, grow up. Fellas, are you serious?
I may have bitten off more than I can chew, but I'd like to know what your "taste" is on this "hairy" topic. Please vote in the non-scientific, anonymous sidebar survey... --xoxo Babs
Above pic found on http://www.swissarmylibrarian.net/ Post entitled "Swear Like a Librarian."
If you don't get it...why are you reading my blog? See * below, you're welcome.
I am going to submit my personal personal favorite "See U Next Tuesday." As in "what a See U Next Tuesday she is." Or another way to use: one of your douchey (ha) colleagues is headed out for a long weekend..."hey (Brenda you bitch sotto voce) See U Next Tuesday" Very empowering in a passive/aggressive sort of way.
*
If you have a perplexing question-- the more f***** up the better, send them to Miss Emmy c/o babsthebeeitch@gmail.com, or post anonymously on the comments below.
Dear Miss Emmy: I had my nails, toes, and eyebrows done at a new salon that piqued my interest due to it's billing as a "wine spa/beauty salon." Cha Ching!! The total for services rendered was $65.00 (beyond reasonable). The manicurist and I got along like a house afire-- she being class of '74, Michigandress in diaspora, the victim of traumatic online dating, etc. and buckets of fun...I was feeling so jolly (drunk), absolutely adored my color selection (mayhaps not quite apropos for a job interview with an employer so obsessed with conservative appearances they don't hire fat people), I left the the new gal a $15.00 booze-enhanced tip, and my e-mail address.
See below (r.).
"Rock Royalty."
My Freudian way of saying
"I don't want your fricking cube job."
Following the interview (during which I randomly gnoshed on my M & M ring in order to maintain my blood sugar as the job sounded like suicide in a pop-top can), I headed up to visit you Emmy. While we were floating around the lake in NC listening to Bob Marley & working on our tans, new gal e-mailed me hoping to introduce me to a tall Jew whose back she waxes. As an aside, she informs me she's moving to a new, salon, that is not a wine spa. She wants to meet me at a cool wine bar to listen Flamenco guitar after work this Friday.
Meanwhile,one of my nails fell off, and the toes are chipping. Here's the deal, her professional services are no longer required due to the aforementioned reasons. I'd like to be her friend (she's a good ole gal), and possibly meet the tall Jew. What's Babs to do? Dear Babs: E-mail this kindred spirit and take her up on her Friday invite. Over drinks you can discuss the tall Jew, and learn some important dating criteria, such as whether he's smart, funny, and how often he has to wax that hairy back, and just how nasty it gets in between waxings. She will certainly notice the egregious missing nail, and will probably offer to fix it free of charge.
If the tall Jew sounds reasonably intriguing, with no glaring red flags such as multiple divorces, residing with his mother, or god forbid, gynecomastia, then perhaps you can agree to meet him for coffee at a convenient Starbucks.
You needn't worry about whether or not you want to continue with her nail services. A friendship with her should not be based on your business, but on the camaraderie you share with her; otherwise, it's as if you're paying to be her friend, which of course, does not pass muster with.. ...Miss Emmy
Stumbled upon the ghetto fab "Hooligans" when searching for a video tutorial on how to play the maracas...more about the maracas later, but I thought this might start your week off with a smile.
A very haunting and handsome movie. Not for everyone. In my estimation, well worth the price of admittance as I feel I've taken a trip back in time and returned unscathed from the Oregon Trail circa 1845 to attest to the eternal bravery, physical courage, goodness, cruelty, and chaos unleashed by man upon man.
Post mortem deconstruction of the movie by the Lassie, Lad, and Babs... a wisp of a butterfly discussion flitting on the iceberg of archetypes, foreshadowing, symbolism, cinematic technique, and respective conclusions gleaned from what is likely to become a masterpiece of film making.
Several items for discussion...
1. Did you notice that only the despised and bombastic Meek had a Southern accent? Year 1845.
2. Verisimilitude. Paucity of songs and music. From my readings of history, I find it hard to believe a beloved and humble harmonica, fiddle, or guitar would not have accompanied these transcontinental pioneers. Andecdotally, I have found that amongst a random conflagration of 8 individuals, at least one possesses a good voice and/or musical talent, which would literally serve to deliver the people out of the desert, if not boost flagging morale? Unless they were so beaten down to be beyond the redemptive/restorative power of music?
3. Why the duplication of effort and caloric expenditure by separate morning and nighttime campfires?
I feel like a good friend has died. Amy Winehouse's music will live on for all time as a testament to her genius. She had the pipes, the emotion, the look, and the artistry. How I wish I had seen her in concert. Friends, go see your favorite musicians live while you have the chance. Genius and madness are closely intertwined
Today I'm opening the Bogart family photo album vault. We Bogarts are soo private (i.e. we have super-secret behaviors we don't want anyone to know about, but that's another blog).
Meet my lil' 'sis Gin (l. so named after my mom's favorite pre-natal vitamin), who btw, ain't so little anymore, but girl, you get props for fighting that baby weight the best way possible...speed, cigarettes, and light beer. Gin you may consider adding Red Bull and/or crack to your fitness regimen. Three words "bye bye arms."... and her new baby, my sweet niece.... Crumpett Clampett (pronounched Clam-pay) .
Being that Gin and her "partner," Tonic, are vegan they are raising Crump naturally...i.e. Cherry Coke and Cherry Benadryl...lots of vitamin C and anti-oxidants!! Here's some home video of cheery Baby Crump enjoying her Cherry Coke. Gin, not one to criticize, but shouldn't that Coke be in a baby bottle rather than your martini jigger? Just sayin'... you might wanna check with Mr. Spock...oops Dr. Spock.
Looking for that unique vacation for the whole family? Grandma included? See the USA in your Chevrolet, and road trip it on down here to the Sunshine state. Disney, the Space Center, and top it off with the icing on the cake... The Casey Anthony Bus Tour...need I say more?
Some of your cube mates may Eurail it across Eastern Europe, or climb Machu Pichu this summer, but you my friend, will have ultimate bragging rights around that water cooler, for the quirkiest summer vacation, hands down.
And it's a lot cooler (temperature-wise) down here in Florida (and bargains to be had off-season) than most of the sizzling, roasting USA.
Enjoy a sunset in July with a zesty dash of macabre...
Forget that "Pure Michigan" shit. "Pure dysfunction" puts the funk in your vacation.
"Six days shall thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God; in it thou shalt not do any work..." (Exodus 20:10).
I honor the Sabbath almost every day of the week. I apologize for merely cutting and pasting into the blog, but I am seriously being holy today, and wholly serious:
Trust me, I've lived in several centuries, including (but not limited to) the 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th...and hands down this is the best band of the 21st c. Sountrack of my 21st. c.
They've tried to make me stop reading my books, listening to my vinyl records, playing cards, conversing in real life, and now this affront. "They" have drawn a line in the sand, nary I shall cross. I am your staunch supporter and life long friend, little Oxford comma, you who separate the men from the boys, the wheat from the chaff, the riff from the raff.
What say you people of the blogosphere? Are you with me or agin me?
Where are we now? Some are dead. Some are bald, gray, and surely we're not as skinny, and hard as we used to be. Most of us opted out of the "Boss/Capitalist" game that earlier and later generations have come to embrace with both greedy arms. You won't find many of us among the "tea party," but we're still at our own kinda trippy "tea party, " and listening to our music really really loud (sorry kids).
#1 song of 1976. We may not be the "Greatest Generation" like our moms and dads, but this song speaks volumes as to what a cool and chill generation we were/ still are. Happy 4th to you '76 ers out there reading this today... esp. Parker, Mame, Emma, and Claire.
Click on the image below to receive your invitation:
A group of malcontent, radical, militant librarians & educators trying to break addictions to the Interwebs in a summer reading program using the Association of College & Research Libraries Reading List. http://www.goodreads.com/review/list/3348016-acrl?order=a&sort=title. You may not like this list-- it surely aint' no Danielle Steel nor Clive Cussler. Shut up and start reading, it's good for you, professionally and personally.
This is a public group. Anyone can join and invite others to join. rules
1. Complete as many books from this biblio-centric list of recreational & professional books
... before 9/21/11.
2. Write a short review. Please make it good!
3. If you've already read a book on the list, write a review (if you can remember it).
4. A Leaderboard will be updated weekly.
5. "Special prizes" for "Special" readers will be awarded at a pagan ritual held on the Autumnal Equinox in the following 3 categories:
# of reviews written.
# of books read between 6/23 - 9/23/11.
A special Magoo award to the person who reads the greatest #of books on an e-reading device (Kindle or Nook)
As I post this blog, we finally breathe a sigh of relief. No, that infernal Casey Anthony trial isn't over, but the sun has, in real time, set on this-- the longest, but not the hottest frickin' day of the year--The Summer Solstice. Goddamn it, global warming is costing me major coin. To wit: My car battery died due to the heat, likewise my key fob remote battery-- not to mention, my hearing aid, pace maker, and vibrator (Mr. Happy) batteries, respectively.
Today's blog inspiration came to me while indulging in the only daily discipline I practice--reading the stellar St. Pete Times* in print not online(won't you please add me to your blog roll, fellas?). Being a creature of habit (some say retarded, I prefer "special," or Aspberger's Syndrome) I read my paper the same way daily. Some people start with the lottery numbers... I...
Start with the obituaries. Maybe one day I'll see the names Fang Epstein or Priscilla Krass Epstein, there in tiny print. I am delusional-- those two are way too cheap to buy an obituary in the newspaper. Yet, hope springs eternal.
Then onto the "hard news...." the Leo horoscope...roar girls (Cougars and baby Minx alike).
Followed by the Florida weather (easy reading even when hungover--sunny and warm).
Ergo today's blog inspiration:
Canada is cool!! Like these shoes-- sexy but kinda sensible.
1. Summertime Weather. Back page, the forecast for Florida predicted temperatures soaring close to 100 F today. In Canada forecasts looked something like this: (international readers, you will have to use your government-subsidized slide rules to convert to the socialist, oops Celsius, system you insist on using:
Vancouver 70 F. Nice.
Toronto 78 F. Nicer.
Montreal 79 F. Nicest!!
2. Page 3A: The "Hard-Rockin,' Tight-pant wearin' Canadian Mullets of the 80's Tour,"sponsored by Viagra and Cialis will be performing (maybe in rugs, be prepared for the worse gals and you won't be disappointed, ) at the Florida State Fairgrounds this weekend. Quarter page ad!
3. Page 4A "A request for help in growing reefer" or "Canadians are kind folk" "Nova Scotia's Community Services Department is wondering what's next. It was ordered by an appeals board to help a needy couple in the Canadian province improve their marijuana garden. The couple, whose names have not been made public, have permission to grow up to 25 plants for medical purposes, according to a Canadian Broadcast Corp. report. But the couple, who get income assistance from the government, can only afford to grow six plants — and sometimes run low on supplies. So the board ruled recently that the department should pay $2,500 to set up the full marijuana growing operation and $400 a year for supplies. A department spokeswoman said Monday that it is pondering the order." --St. Pete Times, pg. 4A, June 21, 2011
In conclusion, reading the newspaper is good, and Canada does have it's faults-- #1: it's not the U.S. #2: Winter. #3: Metric System (Hello? Canada? This is a collect call from 1974. Will you accept the charges?). Okay, just sayin'. God forbid I had to live anywhere else, (like if I got kicked out of the U.S.) it would probably be Canada as...
They have a great dole.
I "get" hockey and curling (unlike baseball and football).
They have a "Queen," but not really.
Dad gum it, I got the accent down "real good," so much so that I could pass for an actual Canadian.
They don't use that stupid pound Sterling system.
They drive on the right side of the road, for the love of God.
After the hockey riots of last week, Canadians have made Americans feel a little less retarded about themselves on the world stage.
Happy Father's Day, Dad. Yea, my cool old man (gone but certainly not forgotten) served in the Army Air Force during WWII. I just can't see him up there amongst the heavenly hosts today...I see him as he really was--recovering at the Biltmore in Coral Cables, FL...
...drinking rum and Coca Cola, holding court poolside at the Biltmore w/his pals, and some nice gals from the USO.
Happy Father's Day to the best, bravest, funniest, and handsomest Dad, ever...
*May I suggest for your viewing pleasure today "Saving Private Ryan," "Band of Brothers," "The Pacific."
Edmund Spenser'sAmoretti: Sonnet 79 centers on the idea of what true beauty is... Spenser states that true beauty comes from intelligence...outer beauty fades, but inner beauty lasts forever and in the end touches more people.
Okay, don't have the bread to head over to Europe this summer? Just declared bankruptcy, graduated from an Ivy League university, got that pink slip, and/or working at Barnes and Noble?
Readers it took me two years to dig out of the debt quagmire I got myself into after visiting the real London two years ago, and the whole place smacked of Disneyland. I'm rethinking the charm of those mighty expensive European capitals. Fret not, Babs has some suggestions that may give you a bit of an old world flavor, sans the unfortunate exchange rate, and the mark up caused by socialist medicine.
Below please find some Northern Hemisphere options you may want to consider until your ship, if ever, comes in.
Montreal instead of Paris
Quebec City, instead of Provence
Nova Scotia, instead of Scotland
Upper Peninsula of Michigan instead of Scandinavia
Toronto instead of London
Detroit, MI instead of St. Petersburg, Russia
Miami instead of any third word hell hole capital city in South America
Victoria, B.C. instead of London
London, Ontario instead of London, UK
Detroit, MI instead of Beirut or Kabul
To add to the verisimilitude of the experience you may want to sport indigenous costumes, i.e. a pith helmet, jodphurs, and an ascot when taking tea in Toronto. A kilt when touring Nova Scotia. A jaunty beret in Montreal, and guys, be dripping in gold jewelry, and gals, work that cleavage when in Miami.
Mame, since Kip has been such a twirp as of late, may I suggest the following menu selections for your 25th wedding anniversary dinner? A starter of straight up German bean sprouts, followed by a dramatic presentation of Bananas Foster, Cherries Jubilee, and/or Baked Alaska. They key to this scenario is pouring 151 proof Rum straight outta the bottle (no decanting allowed). Mame, you're an expert at that. Oh, Mame, wear that darling asbestos little black dress, with asbestos push up black bra for this dinner. And instead of Fresh Scent Downy, use terpentine, for the final rinse on Kips toughskins for the big night out. I'm sure it will be a flaming success!!! http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/13/bananas-foster-explodes-injures-four_n_875820.html
Little 'sis Mame, & Babs hit the town last weekend, doing our patriotic duty-- we dropped major coin in honor of our brave men & women who serve/d our country in uniform. While on the prowl for a few good men in (or out of) uniform, all we met were "hipsters."
Considering ourselves "nerdy cool," like Flo in the Progressive ads-- always on, in a sort of cracked & weird way, we couldn't help but notice this new & identifiable sub genre of coolness, the aforementioned "hipsters."
While well into our respective buckets of Delirium Tremens we devised for you, dear reader, the following helpful checklist to help you identify a hipster. Do you:
Smoke cloves, tobacco, weed/all of the above? (extra points if in public)
Wear skinny jeans/trou?
Wear super nerdy glasses?
Sport at least one non-tribal tattoo?
Forego the razor? (both sexes)
Drink or brew "craft" beer?
Work at a bookstore/coffee shop/record store/wait table at a hipster restaurant?
Buy only vinyl?
Speak in upseak so as not to offend?
Are you:
Cute like Jesus, or hot like Trent Reznor?
Cute/angry/nutty like Alanis Morrissette or Winona Ryder back in the day?
Pierced?
Skinny?
A vegan, locavore, or paleo man/woman?
Extra Bonus points if you:
You are, or have been enrolled in an art history/philosophy/religious studies/geology program.
Do not own a car.
Do not own a TV.
Have a trust fund.
Are bi-sexual.
Know that a pitchfork is not just used to bale hay or a snazzy devilish accessory.
Buy your clothes at a thrift store.
Have more than one pair of Birkenstocks.
As it says in Mark 14:7 "the hip will always be amongst you" (Mame corrected me "the poor will always be amongst you"). Same thing, Mame dear, anywho, we hope this checklist will help you identify and deal w/hipsters in your own environment.
We leave you with the following question ... "is being a hipster a naturally occurring phenomenon? Or merely a well thought out pose?" xoxo --Babs & Mame
Or, "How to mind fuck a hypochondriac." Perfect to give or receive prior to a long holiday weekend...
With over 300 deadly diseases profiled, conveniently organized by symptom (real or imagined), even the mildest hypochondriac’s fantasy life will be ignited. Includes fascinating spotlights on terrifying medical phenomena
Did you know that hiccups may be a sign that you have the EBOLA VIRUS? (no known cure, 90% fatality rate) Salivating a lot? You might have RABIES. Toes discolored? GANGRENE. Dropping things? Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. (don't ask) This amazing volume helps you find the worst possible diagnosis for whatever is bothering you! For instance, let's say you're having vision problems. Well, it might be that you're just tired or hungover. But if you consult this book, you'll be thrilled to discover you might have LOIASIS (worms that wiggle through your body and set up shop in your cornea)
If you're a hypochondriac, you can't possibly live without this book. (Come to think of it, you can't live WITH it, either.) If you live or work with a hypochondriac, it's great fun to watch them totally lose their mind, as this book is chock full of disgusting graphics, charts, and descriptions.
From among the flotsam and jetsom of "pop music," Babs has selected the following for this week's "Yacht Rock" new music pick. My criteria is as follows:
1. Does it channel "Yacht Rock?" Specifically do you hear Michael McDonald iconically singing background vocals?
2. Can you "ride like the wind" on land, air, and sea while grooving to this music?
2. Would you look really cool if riding a vespa smoking a cigarette with this music playing in the background?
3. Would Sonny Crockett have this on his playlist?
Well, here we all are...no "Rapture," no looting, no wilding in the streets, no bacchanal, no wanton promiscuous behavior....wait, what I can remember of yesterday included all the above. And I think I suffered a rupture at the rapture party.
Personally, I feel like hell today. So maybe it really did happen? I'll wait for cognitive re-entry to try to piece it all together.
Just a reminder, Jesus is coming tomorrow for the "Rapture." This is how it's gonna work, all the "holy holies" will be sucked up into heaven, and the rest of us sinners will be left here on earth. How fun is this gonna be?
Post-rapture looting has been scheduled from noon-3:00p in your respective time zones. My friend Sally from Tally and I have scheduled our post-rapture looting itinerary as follows:
1. Sephora
2. Perfume counter at Nordstrom's
3. Shoe department at Nordstrom's
4. Ikea
5. Total Wine
6. Lowry Park Zoo, cuz I've always wanted a pony.
And last but not least, on my looting "wish list..." To his hotness, Mr. Parker Stone, I am praying fervently to our Lord and Savior that your wife is one of the "elect" and gets sucked up into the heavenly vortex, as I've been coveting you for years.
It happened on Friday the 13th. For nearly 24 hours Google Blogger was down. Initially I thought it was an Al Quadea plot.
It was a stressful time. I'd like to share some of my techniques for coping with Interweb outtages:
1) Simma down now...
2) Try to concentrate on your real-world paying job and real live people, and actual conversations with real live people. This may result in a type of sensory overload.
3) Keep channelling your inner Scarlett...
4) Whine/wine
5) Live better chemically
6) "Whatever gets you through the night."
7) Rember, as the "Good Book" says, "let it go, this too shall pass:" Note: See, Mom and Dad I did learn a few things thanks to 12 torturous years at Catholic School:
I don't know if I'm using this word correctly. Anywho a fortnight ago, after a big snortful of Skyping with cousin Bill in the UK, I decided to "ponce up" my vocab a bit and go all UK giggy with the colonists. Specifically I was gonna try to use the word "fortnight" in every day American dialogue.
Guess what? Totally lost in translation, un-doable, if not untenable in the U.S. First off, I cracked myself up every time I tried to use it. At the reference desk I'd say to a patron "if you request that article via inter library loan you'll get it within a fortnight" and immediately start laughing so hard, so as to put my head on the desk.
If a friend would say "hey you wanna go out for a drink?"
"Can't tonight, but let's pencil it in within the fortnight."
"WTF a fortnight?"
"Yea, we get paid in a fortnight or upon a fortnight."
"Hey Jane Austen you need to get outta your 'fortnight' more often, you're losing it, bitch."
Now I have had much more success with "Project Meat Raffle." Nobody knows what the hell it means. Just try peppering your daily dialogue w/a random allusion to a "meat raffle." Trust me Americans dig it.
Seven things you DO Need:
1. Real living breathing friends.
2. Real books not dependant on batteries, nor read on a screen. Particularly helpful when you have no real friends, or to lend to your friends when you have some.
3. Rock 'N Roll.
4. A big vocabulary replete with big words, that you can spell correctly to befuddle mere mortals.
5. Cash stash.
6. A car.
7. A Good Mom.
What is a good mom? Mine was. She wasn't perfect, in fact all I wanted was a cool mom, which she wasn't... my mom was a tea-totalling, god-fearing quintessential pathetic creature... a 50's housewife:
My mom's typical day.
But my Mom gave me major "mojo." Despite our obvious differences-- from birth, my Mom could not believe I was her progeny, nor I hers. That said, she made me and my siblings think we were the best looking, smartest, funniest, most special people on the face of the earth. Some may coin this "mojo" cockiness, if not hubris, so be it...but folks, that vainglory and optimism has gotten me through the massive shit life hands us all in due time, i.e. death, divorce, poverty, sickness, abandonment, etc... with courage and style.
Babs...drunk by six.
Oh and best of all my mom taught me how to dress and decorate like a million bucks, and think no man/woman my better, when in reality I usually have only a five spot in my bank account.
Questioning some of the crunchy bits found in my fish taco.
Folks, really? the Taco Bus? Can we rethink this venue? Does wicked things to the immune system. Company and conversation always stellar, just couldn't get past the hanging fly paper.
So the conversation veered to soundtracks of one's life. Mine gotta be "Rumors" by Fleetwood Mac. Revisited a couple a five videos from emotional reunion of the Mac back in '97.
If looks could kill...
Stevie: "Fuck you Linsdsey."
Have you have ever felt lazy, slovenly or just like "the man is out to get you?" You may have Motivational Deficiency Disorder (MDD). I know I do. One in five people suffer from this disorder and many don’t know they have it. This scientifically validated new test (p=0.3) will only take 30 seconds, and it could save your life.*
1. Have you ever felt lazy or apathetic? Yes/No
2. Do you have a family history of laziness? Yes/No
3. Do you ever feel tired on a Monday morning? Yes/No
4. Have you ever considered hiring someone to clean the gutters? Yes/No
5. Are you breathing? Yes/No *Argos L, et. al., Journal of Motivational Medicine, 2011 April 1;4:78-92
If you answered YES to just one question – you should see your doctor today! Watch the video below, and know you're not alone...
In honor of Holy Week 2011. Once again, I have successfully maintained my Lenten observences, and abstained from Crystal Champagne, Caviar, and sex in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.
This is a message to all my fellow civil servants of the better-paid, Federal variety....folks I know you're girding your loins for the upcoming furlough...
I extend to you the warm hand of southern hospitality. Come on Down!!!
Bring your greenbacks, and carpetbags, credit cards, and pasty sun-starved Vitamin D deprived badsefs.
FURLOUGH IN FLORIDA!!
We got it all for ya here in the Greater Tampa Bay Area...
And folks I haven't even mentioned the "Girls Gone Wild" scene on Clearwater Beach. Best vacation value for the back pay you ain't nevah gonna receive.
xoxo Babs
