If you have a perplexing question-- the more f***** up the better, send them to Miss Emmy c/o babsthebeeitch@gmail.com, or post anonymously on the comments below.
Dear Miss Emmy:
I had my nails, toes, and eyebrows done at a new salon that piqued my interest due to it's billing as a "wine spa/beauty salon." Cha Ching!! The total for services rendered was $65.00 (beyond reasonable). The manicurist and I got along like a house afire-- she being class of '74, Michigandress in diaspora, the victim of traumatic online dating, etc. and buckets of fun...I was feeling so jolly (drunk), absolutely adored my color selection (mayhaps not quite apropos for a job interview with an employer so obsessed with conservative appearances they don't hire fat people), I left the the new gal a $15.00 booze-enhanced tip, and my e-mail address.
See below (r.).
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| "Rock Royalty." My Freudian way of saying "I don't want your fricking cube job." |
Following the interview (during which I randomly gnoshed on my M & M ring in order to maintain my blood sugar as the job sounded like suicide in a pop-top can), I headed up to visit you Emmy. While we were floating around the lake in NC listening to Bob Marley & working on our tans, new gal e-mailed me hoping to introduce me to a tall Jew whose back she waxes. As an aside, she informs me she's moving to a new, salon, that is not a wine spa. She wants to meet me at a cool wine bar to listen Flamenco guitar after work this Friday.
Meanwhile,one of my nails fell off, and the toes are chipping. Here's the deal, her professional services are no longer required due to the aforementioned reasons. I'd like to be her friend (she's a good ole gal), and possibly meet the tall Jew. What's Babs to do?
Dear Babs:
E-mail this kindred spirit and take her up on her Friday invite. Over drinks you can discuss the tall Jew, and learn some important dating criteria, such as whether he's smart, funny, and how often he has to wax that hairy back, and just how nasty it gets in between waxings. She will certainly notice the egregious missing nail, and will probably offer to fix it free of charge.
If the tall Jew sounds reasonably intriguing, with no glaring red flags such as multiple divorces, residing with his mother, or god forbid, gynecomastia, then perhaps you can agree to meet him for coffee at a convenient Starbucks.
You needn't worry about whether or not you want to continue with her nail services. A friendship with her should not be based on your business, but on the camaraderie you share with her; otherwise, it's as if you're paying to be her friend, which of course, does not pass muster with..
...Miss Emmy
Well, Babs, that was certainly a deal for all of those services for $65! Plus, she's a yenta, too? Give her a chance to make good on the mani/pedi. I'm sure that Emmy would agree that you never know who else she may have in her little black 'customer' book.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I do like the color!
Very salient points Claire. A fun yenta/aesthetician...with shared interests, and a formidable black book... She could be an extremely value-added member of our possee.
ReplyDeleteAt least your nails looked good for the interview. I know you at least looked fab all around. Hope it went well. I hope the new salon is more Babs-centrally located, if you decide to keep going to her.
ReplyDeleteJob a non-starter. Cube isolation crunching numbers and statistical reports on faculty productivity. I'd rather work at Wal-Mart stocking shelves.
ReplyDeleteBummer. Especially since this was an 'out-of-town' interview. Were you serious about their requirements for how the potential employees looked? Did they actually say they wouldn't hire someone who was fat? Wow. That could be dangerous. And stupid.
ReplyDeleteI concur with the wise and witty Miss Emmy. A zesty pal, gal or male, will outlive purple polish and shellacked tootsies. More point and counterpoint from Babs and Miss Emmy. You're a dynamic duo and better than the Landers sisters.
ReplyDelete