Open Letter to My Atheist Friends--

Heard this song for the umpteenth time while getting ready for work this morning. Not only are most of my friends atheists, but my dearly beloved and departed father was an atheist. Folks I won't try to convert you to become an R.C. (only if you want to become a member of the coolest club on earth, but nobody's asking you)...so please don't try to shame me into being an atheist.

In the past 10 years I've:
--Gotten divorced twice
--Been homeless twice.
--Had $5.00 in my bank account.
--Had $150,000.00 in my bank account then lost it all by investing in high earning bank stocks circa 2006.
--Got laid off.
--Quit two jobs.
--Moved to a city where I knew NO ONE.
--My Dad died.
--My Mom died.
--Broke my ankle.
--Had two surgeries to repair said ankle.
--Spent two Christmases alone.

In the past 10 years I've:
--Fallen in love.
--Seen the world.
--Lived in paradise.
--Enjoyed life like never before.
--Spent two glorious Christmases alone.

What is my key to resiliency?
--Laughter.
--Friends & family.
--Rock N' Roll.
--Books.
--My job.
--The Internet.
--My religion.
--The delusional mojo bank account into which my parents made huge deposits of self confidence, love, if not cockiness. 

I carry a teeny Bible concordance in my purse (as a ready reference source to look up how much time I'm gonna spend in hell, purgatory, limbo respectively, should I just randomly commit the sin of let's say... adultery, sloth, or not keeping the sabbath holy, etc.) and will happily show you my holy card collection if you show me yours-- but I'm not a thumping, up in your grill evangelical Christian, and I'm pretty sure I've been excommunicated at least twice.

So please don't shame me, or change me...there's just too much whimsy and magic in the universe and in our hearts for me to explain.  Please don't try to save me, and I am certainly way too lazy to want to change you...but if you're interested in joining the club, I can point you in the right direction...

Sister Babs...Pray for us??  Just sayin'...I may not be your first (or last) choice, to have in your prayer corner.  Thank God for the comforts of the Confessional and Extreme Unction. 

Fang sighting-- Open letter to Fang

 

Fang at the corner of Dona Michele and BBD.

Man, my ex ole man is really, really cheap. How cheap? See above-- a picture is worth a thousand words.  

I pulled up to a light yesterday and there was the cad/twirp in his fugly car-- you can't miss it. Since he's gay he really ain't looking for play from the ladies, but Fang can you not upgrade your automobile? 

You've got scads of inherited benjamins. I understand your tribe requires an oath of frugality, ergo the shoplifting of vitamins and soap, and that explains why you gave me a second-hand chip of diamond that required a jeweler's loop to view, and your continued wearing of stone-washed jeans, circa 1980.

But please Fang, consider, a step up. I know your ride has an optional sidecar for when you and Mom are hitting the outlet malls, but ole man, trust me on this one, small ain't necessarily good for some things...we all know what I'm talking about, Fang dear...

XOXO
and an extra hard bitch slap, and a pinch to grow an inch,
--Babs, your ex wife.

Pantheon of Pussies...

Ladies and gentlemen...our newest inductee...

Captain Shittino
"I just fell into the lifeboat..."

Are you Happy?

It's never too late to make a change. Babs is making some big changes!! Stay tuned for further details...

Tribute to the Andrea Doria

July 25, 1956

Absolutely Fabulous 1/8/12 10 p.m. BBC America

http://www.bbcamerica.com/absolutely-fabulous/

Mrs. Candy and Saturday Night

On my night stand.  Oy it's good!!

One evening unravels a house full of secrets. Mrs. Candy is a kind-hearted widow who rents rooms to a house of interesting boarders on New Orleans' Cairo Street in the 1940s. When she falls for one of them, she accepts dating advice from her dearly departed Mr. Candy and throws a party. Amidst visits from the police and trips to the bar, much is revealed about the drunken politician, the quarrelling lovers, the upper-class social worker, and the polite Cajun. Some will get arrested, others will get married, and one will shock them all when a carefully kept secret stumbles out.

Shite to be Scottish...except on New Year's Eve..."Donald where's yer troosers?"

As many of my regular readers know, I'm not particularly fond of Scotland.  Many are the factors, but most notably the climate and general third world flavor render me fetal. 

It's okay I can say this stuff as I have cred--I'm almost fresh off the boat Scottish, my grandparents left the place and never looked in the rear view mirror, I have real life Facebook endorsed cousins that live there, and I spent a bit of time on the rock earlier in this century.

Well said,

However, the Scots do know how to roll when it comes to
1.  New Year's Eve, "Hogmany," as it's known over there; and
2.  Weddings.

Both celebrations last for days...with much merry making, wild dancing, and loads and loads of drinking.  With that I wish you all a very Happy New Year.  Enjoy this little bit of Scotland:

http://www.visitdornoch.com/pages/guide/webcam.html

XOXO
--Babs

2011 wasn't quite heaven. But 2012's gwan be swell.

Babs how can you tell?

I little birdy came to me
He chirped this message from a tree...

"All will be well
in 2012
Things they gonna gel
you may even find a fell..."

"...Be not afraid
I think you might get laid
The past is very daid
You may not have a lotta pay
But in yo pad you're gonna stay."

"Plan A may fall through
You may have to sell a lot o shoes
On ebay the fur coat will be sold
But out of the cube you will go

Into the bright sun shine
You may have to temp as a mime
But all you've got is time
Your pals, the Saab, and a rhyme

Be of good cheer
It's a whole new year
Things are cool not queer...

Gather ye rosebuds yet my dear
The crystal ball ain't quite clear
Next year you will be freer
You can't afford a pap smear
So for breakfast have a beer."

Dance Party Prep Continues...

You're invited to: Second Annual Garage Dance Party

12/30/11
Babs' Hacienda
6:30 p.m. - ?

Merry Christmas

I miss my Mom and Dad at Christmas

R.I. P. and thanks Mom and Dad for being nutty, and giving us beautiful Xmas memories. 

xoxo

--Your seven children.

Jesus visits the Broncos locker room

Tim Tebow SNL Sketch - More amazing video clips are a click away

Sobbing for Saab...

"Saab still has its fans.  What other 50-year old car can you rally-stage with no modifications except an extra spare tire and electrical tape on the headlights?  What other 1980s car will run for 200,000 miles on the original engine and transmission without ever being apart.  What other 2000's used car will accelerate 30-70 faster than a Porsche 911 turbo for less than 10,000 dollars and still give you 32 mpg?  Yes, it's quirky. Yes, it's funky. Yes it smells weird when you run the heater too long (carbon monoxide anyone?). But when you need to get home in a snowstorm at 3 in the morning after four beers, three shots and dancing like a fool for four and a half hours, Saab will do it for you and then start in -4 degrees Fahrenheit for work the next morning.  We will miss you, our Scandinavian friend."  --anonymous

I too will miss my Scandinavian friend.  I have really loved my Saabs.  I know cars don't have souls, but my Saabs have taken me to wonderful places, protected my children, given me freedom, given me mojo, and were totally drivable with a horrifically broken right ankle.  Not to mention the "people of Saab" who always went that extra mile.  This bankruptcy upsets me as much if not more than General Motors.   

Lit up and listening to the Blues



Mame this is what I'm wearing to pick you up at the airport (above).
Please coordinate accordingly. 



Babs had an egregiously horrific day... i.e. couldn't stop crying at work... techno-thwartage sent me into a tailspin.  So how to offset a horrible day (had to use my new lacy shrug to sop up the snot)? 

1.  RETAIL THERAPY!!
I purchased matching dresses for Mame and me (lil' sis) to sport over the holidays.

When we were the adored, spoiled, and pampered only children, (prior to the addition in rapid succession of 5 screaming, pooping, puking babies to our happy family) our mother used to dress us in matching dresses ala Sally Draper (see below), and we thought we'd resurrect the whimsy and see what the response is..."I plead guilty your honor of trying to attract attention."



"Hey let's go bike riding, drink from the hose, listen to the Beatles in my basement, and play Barbie."

2.  BLOG... I'll keep you posted on the shenanigans of Mame and Babs as they cut a (possibly ridiculous) swath across Tampa Bay in their matching ghetto fabulous ensembles over the Holidays.  Could be really cool or really queer. 

3.  CORK a bottle and listen to the Blues....

http://www.myspace.com/music/player?sid=84139820&ac=now

4.  TAKE a happy pill (just one) ...

And remember as Scarlett O'Hara always said "tomorrow is another day."
xoxo
Babs

Ready for your daily Tebow?

Congrats to my niece... "Wee Thread"

...who received her acceptance letter to the University of Michigan today!! How does it feel to be a Wolverine? You've worked your tail feather off to get here girl, enjoy the next four years in Ann Arbor!! You will have the time of your life!!! Auntie Babs is VERY proud of you!!!  P.S.  Auntie Babs will be visiting over the 4/20 weekend. 

Christmas at K-Mart

Sent to me from follower Kay.  Thanks Babe!!

Baby Jesus is coming...

...It's time to go to the grocery store.

Today's homage to Detroit, Michigan

From two of her most talented native sons, Iggy Pop & Jack White...


 and the inimitable...Ms.Patti Smith...

Baby Bea...

You need to mix your DNA up w/ the likes of this holy roller.  I'm feeling a Holy Ghost picnic.  It's time we accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior...
Love,
--Big Bea Your Mom.

Not Pants

Better than a happy pill...Miss Nancy Sinatra

Two Fab Movies showing at the Tampa Theatre over the fortnight (did I use that correctly?).

Sunday 12/11/11.  Meet in the Lobby at 7:10 p.m. for 7:30 p.m. show. 

Monday 12/26/11.  Meet in the Lobby at 7:10 p.m. for the 7:30 p.m. show.

Hatebook...a new kind of social network.

 

Instead of "friending" people, you "hate" them.  I think there is great potential in this idea.  Mark Zuckerberg, or the Winklenvi, give Babs a jingle. 

Just think of the possibilities...ex-husbands, boyfriends, bosses, corporations, nations, religions, the devil, nazis, clowns, the Kardashians...  even my all time favorite DICK...

http://youtu.be/0k5fHtC1ScM

Compliments of the Board of Trade, c. 1900

Escape from the Facebook nation...

 

The honeymoon with Facebook continues.  But I must resist the urge to snark...so I shall do so here.  You don't mind do you? 

WTF?  Snow in Michigan.  People digging it?  Bullshit, they lie like rugs.  "Oh it's so fun to build a bunny hill with the kids?"  Cue Seth Green "Really?"

It's 60 degrees here tonight and I'm shivering like Michael J. Fox with the D.T.s. It's time to break out the electric blanket, the space heater, silk balaclava, and a small side of caviar and crackers. "Oh it's so fun to get under the blanket with my new favorite twist off bottle." 

"Really!"

P.S.  To a certain loyal follower in Miami...are you really sure about that move back to Ohio?

Remember how He upset the money changers in the temple?

Amen!!

Not to worry folks, I'm still the world's worst Catholic-- twice excommunicated and burned at the stake by proxy via registered mail. Yet, I know in my heart, that this horrid rampant big box consumerism is not what Baby Jesus wants on his birthday.

Think "Mom and Pop" shops and local sustainability when looking for that perfect Christmas gift for me.

Better yet, knit me some squares so I can outdo the bee-atches in my knitting club.
http://www.knit-a-square.com/knit-a-squillion.html.

How did they get all of my e-harmony matches in one location?

Baby B and me watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade:

B: "Matt Lauer looks like a mouse on chemotherapy."
Big B: "Ha. WTF? Who are theses 610 Stompers?"
B: "Hey Mom, it's all of your e-harmony matches."

RIP Michael Hutchence

14 years ago today we lost one of the most talented, handsome, and true rock stars of his age...the  late, great Michael Hutchence.

His voice was of magnificent timber, and so emotive, his song writing unparalleled-- genius to be exact.  The vacuum he left in INXS has never been filled.

I've never quite gotten over it.  May we all take a moment to remember this tormented genius of the genre we love.  His work and memories remain with us forever...

Force of Nature

Heroine Addiction

Jane by the pool.

Howard Jacobson*, winner of the Man-Booker Prize, describes himself as a "Jewish Jane Austen." Howard Jacobson's* 5 favorite literary heroines:

Persuasion by Jane Austen (Dover, $2.50). I suffer from heroine addiction. The novels that moved me most as a young man were always about women in whom the desire to be treated justly, to be acknowledged, and to find fulfillment in love burns like a fire, and they remain my favorites to this day. Jane Austen possesses the power to make you feel as you read that nothing else matters in the world but the happiness of her heroines. Anne Elliot's happiness hangs by a thread in Persuasion, and the reader knows no peace until it is secured.

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë (Dover, $3.50). Jane Eyre ranks at the top among all 19th-century English heroines. I've recently seen Cary Fukunaga's new film adaptation, and was reminded how passionately principled, articulate, and marvelously angry this novel is.

Middlemarch by George Eliot (Signet, $8). Whatever conventional fulfillment she finds, Dorothea Brooke's intellectual and moral restlessness remains ungratified. Eliot's book is a towering tragedy of frustration, in which individual ambition is forever stifled by the small-mindedness of society.

Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens (Modern Library, $10). Dickens' novel about a girl who grew up in debtors prison is funnier than Middlemarch but just as searching. It's another all-encompassing narrative — about the fragility of happiness and about modest goodness seeking to stay afloat in a sea of folly, cynicism, faintheartedness, and greed.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (Dover, $5). The great novel of the senses and the heart that no other 19th-century novelist quite managed to write. That Tolstoy himself set out to write a moral tract warning against adultery only goes to prove D.H. Lawrence's dictum: Never trust the teller, trust the tale. Or, to put it another way, if it's truth you want, then go to art, not religion or ideology.

Occupy USF-- "We can do anything baby..."

Fifteen Florida Cemeteries

Hey hep cats & kittens, just cuz you find yourself in reduced circumstances doesn't mean you don't need and deserve some vacation time. Babs and Ms. Vicki have now embarked in full force on the following tour:



Our first stop was in Micanopy.  Now I'm not sayin' that anybody inadvertently backed over a headstone or fell into a fresh grave, but we did have a spooktacular time...

Micanopy Cemetery 10/29/11.  Photo Courtesy of Ms. Vicki.

Do you like graveyards? I do. On vacation, I always make it a point to take in at least one historical cemetery. In a world composed of furious nanosecond sound bytes, a cemetery offers peace, reflection, and literary pause.

If you are of like mind, and/or perhaps had, or have an imaginary friend (you are whimsical), and you have a nice rainy Sunday to tuck in...please read "The Graveyard Book."

This read is worth it alone for the catalog of tombstone epithets that the author uses to introduce characters to his readers. BTW, most of the characters happen to be dead.

--Lost to All But Memory
--Swans Sing Before they Die
--Who did no harm to no man all the days of her life. Reader, can you say likewise?
--What she spent is lost, what she gave remains with her always.
--Reader be Charitable.
--Deeply regretted by all who knew him.
--Traveler Lay Down Thy Staff
--Laugh

The "Graveyard Book" will cause you to "Momento Mori" (remember your death) but most of all encourage you to "see the world...get into trouble. Get out of trouble again. Visit jungles and volcanoes and deserts and islands. And people-- meet an awful lot of people."

Honoring the Veteran's of 1st Recon Battalion USMC during the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

What would Jesus buy?

http://www.revbilly.com/

Why did we have to part?

Buy Nothing Day is your special day to unshop, unspend and unwind. Relax and do nothing for the economy and for yourself - at least for a single day.

"What's greater than God, more evil than the devil, the rich need it, the poor have it, and if you eat it, you die?"
the answer........ "nothing." :)

http://www.nothing.net/deult.html

Facebook Blows...

...not really. 

I fervently wanted to hate this product, and came on-board kicking and screaming.  But after a week, I must say, I've kind of had fun.  I'm still getting my sea legs, but here are some ettiquette tips for the Book of Face:

• Try not to be too snarky.  Face is a pretend land of puppies, kittens, and babies.  Save your snarkiness for real life or your blog.
• Don't drunk Facebook....I awoke this morning aghast at what I'd done...

• Avoid conversations on the douchiness of the Confederate Flag, reinstating the Pope as the head of the Church of England, and personal unresolved "Mommy" issues when the world knows this crap is spewing forth from your actual mouth. It could explain the sticks of dynamite rubber banded w/my morning newspaper. 
• For the love of God people, DO NOT post the following as your profile picture:  The Blessed Sacrament, the Tasmanian devil, your kid, your dog, a fat bottomed girl (you know who you are), a picture of you in a previous decade...what are you hiding?
• And lastly, give it up, and get over yo bad sef, there ain't no secrets on the Book of Face.  

I'm in love...

I may have to sell my soul.

If you can't Occupy Wall Street, keep Wall Street occupied!

The message I'm printing off and putting in my envelopes is:

"Hello Big Bank Clerk.  Join a Union today."

Orlando Calling...Veteran's Day Weekend!!

48 Laws of Power

 

Did you ever notice how sometimes the right book comes along at the right time? I bought this book way back in '01, almost as a joke--it was so politically incorrect, but mostly for the stellar historical references-- remember, he who forgets the past is destined to repeat it. Little did I realize this tome was to become one of the most dog-eared and spine-cracked books in my collection. 

Initially, I was trying to make sense of the havoc that schemers and liars were wreaking upon me. I used to be naive & innocent... kinda. But then I started relying on some, but not all, of the laws to survive and thrive. Some great lessons from this book:

1. Learn to control your emotions.

2. Contingency. Flexibility. Have a "Plan B."

3. Learn from your past.

4. Life is a game, don't take it personally.

What I can't seem to learn is how to conceal my intentions, and play the role of a "courtier." That said, I can unconditionally and unequivocally recommend this book, just for the mini liberal arts "Western Civ" education you'll receive. Read it, you'll have some good conversation at random water coolers and cocktail parties, you might even score a spot on Jeopardy, but you'll definitely kick some poor, weak, sots ass at Trivial Pursuit.

For more book reviews by Babs visit: http://www.goodreads.com/group/bookshelf/50153.Simma_Down_Now_with_a_book_Summer_reading_program_2011_?shelf=read

Great music from Australia...

Sent to Babs from a Luddite Aussie reader...Thank you my dear.



"We'll call her Nebraska, Nebraska Jones..."

Egad Mormon Underwear.

As a cultural Catholic, I will admit we indeed have some weird shit... i.e. stigmata, self-flagellation, and our own special garment known as the "hair shirt." That said, the Mormons have us beat, hands down, with their magic "underwear."

Is this shit made in China? Please see the video below for clarification.

What happens if you get caught NOT wearing the special underwear? Do they shun you? Burn you at the stake? Make you go live in Las Vegas?

Say it ain't so Brandon Flowers...please tell me you're not wearing that funky ole timey underwear under those fine black jeans...

Kent Rocks!!

Named after his Mom's favorite smoke during her pregnancy (I couldn't make that up), Kent (glad he's not Tarreyton or Kool) my awesome brother-in-law has done it again.  His photo is one of the finalists for the "America the Beautiful" Alaska quarter.

http://www.cm-life.com/2011/10/24/photojournalism-professors-photograph-a-finalist-for-alaskan-america-the-beautiful-quarter/


My sketch of Alaska the Beautiful didn't even warrant a thank you from the U.S.  Mint.  Note the hootch on the snow plow drivers seat.  I thought that was pretty funny. 

  

Happy Birthday Emmy Eiderdown

Happy birthday to the most finely pickled gal of the class of '74... Emmy Eiderdown.  Beautiful, funny, smart, loyal, and one of the greatest accomplishments of my life, i.e. she's still my friend after nearly 4 decades.

To honor or diss(honor) the occasion below please find the fellas of the class of 1974 from Emmy's yearbook...

Then, and...

Now.

To channel a little bit of how it felt like to be 18 years old in the great American rust belt of 1974...

"I gotta get outta this place..."
Happy Birthday Em!!

I quit drinking...

 

WHAT???  A week, two days, 15 hours, and 9 minutes ago. 

WHY???    Recovery time.  Like sands through the hourglass....I'm running out of it.

HOW I FEEL?  Like shit.  Way too good.

HOW I LOOK?  Like shit.  Eyes swollen with dark bags underneath.  My liver's not used to all this clean living. 

WHAT MY FRIENDS ARE SAYING (behind my back):  Bitch be a bore.
WHAT MY FRIENDS ARE SAYING (to my face):  Bitch, when are you gonna start drinking again? 
WHAT MY CHILDREN ARE SAYING:  Who are you?  and where have you taken our mother?

"You love money and power and capitalism? You know they're never going to love you back... " --From the musical Annie

This adorable red-head in the video below is Babs' brilliant niece.  She's gonna be a star someday...


Babs could've played Miss Hanigan...

Occupy Wall Street Library.

Visit the People's Library @:
http://peopleslibrary.wordpress.com/

Watch out greedy publishers.  We're coming to get you.  Knowledge should be FREE and FREELY SHARED!!!

Good Manners Open All Doors



On the happy occasion of William & Kate's wedding, we passed around and signed a .99 cent wedding card, posted same, and forgot about it.  Until today.  Postmistress Vicki received the following in today's mail from Buckingham Palace.

Needless to say, we were thrilled to have been acknowledged-- right down to the very tips of our Revolutionary red toes.  Wall Street and the Romanovs should have read that page in the ettiquette book on saying thank you.  Obviously the Windsors know the power of good manners.



Hamlet

Kay and I had the great good fortune of seeing Hamlet today at the RIAF.  In a very unconventional version of the play, the words of the Bard resonated across the centuries, to keep us literally on the edge of our seats until the very end. 

I must say I really enjoyed the choreography of the sword fight, and the actors were wonderful...all had beautifully hypnotic speaking voices.

There are so many powerful soliloquies.  But tonight I will leave you with this...

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
--Hamlet, scene ii

Occupy Tampa- "For the Union men & women standing up & standing strong."

"Dirty scabs will cross the line while others stand aside and look…but ain’t nobody never got nothing’ that didn’t raise their voice and push.“

I am totally committed to OccupyTampa.org, but people 9:00 a.m. on Saturday?  I have a late morning spa appointment, then lunch with chums at locavore bistro, whilst the Saab is being detailed.  Couldn't the Revolution be scheduled for later in the day?

Junior Leaguers learn "recession chic"

After

Junior Leaguers take lead to reshape how community defines and deals with poverty

Monday 10/10/11
St. Pete Times
guest columnist Babs D. Bitch

Before

A “Poverty Simulation” event will be held Tuesday 10/11/11 to educate Junior League members in the Tampa Bay area on what it’s like to live in impoverished circumstances.


The event will take place from 9 a.m. – 2 p.m. at the St. Petersburg Yacht Club.  Participants will discuss  "recession chic," that will be the highlight of this month's Fashion Week in New York.  Proceeds will go to the "bed bug infestation" project which will de-louse all new residents to Bay Area homeless shelters.

League president "Muffy" Martha van Wiffenpoofil, notes "it's no longer cool to be rich.  We're going to teach our members how to channel 'recession chic,' with the latest offerings from the Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen collection available at Nieman Marcus in International Plaza. Come fall, fashion will follow the downward spiral of home values and investment portfolios, as designers embrace restraint with a dark palette and a severe moth-eaten silhouette " 

In this hands on workshop gals will learn how to accessorize and add layering for that 'just right' panhandling look. 

At the event, play money, props, fictional scenarios and time limits will be used to simulate situations with a lack of money, a ton of stress, enabling local Junior Leaguers  to take on the roles of single-parent families, elderly persons living alone,  and unemployed heads of households, and best of yet...dress the part!

Breakout sessions include:
"Downgrading your Beemer from leather to pleather."
"From Manalos to Payless."
"From Sax to Kohl's " 
"Dumpster Diving for Family Fun."
"Bye to beluga, hello to cocktail weenies."
"Replace your Glen Livett with Mad Dog."
  
The event is by invitation only to current and sustaining League members.   For further information on tickets call Goody van der Luyden at 813-666-7734.

"Redefining baby bump in week 33"

Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 8:53 AM
To: Babs The Bitch
From:  Postmistress Vicki
Dear Babs:

Here’s Heather doing her yoga pose last weekend. She’s only got about another 5 weeks to go. I’m going up next weekend for her baby shower.

To:  Postmistress Vicki
From:  Babs The Bitch
Ick Vick....that's disturbing.  She should not be doing that. If my grandmother wasn't dead, she would pass out if she could see that. I bet that frickin hurts the baby, and promotes stretch marks. Call me old school, but that’s just not right.
Your forthright friend,
Babs

To:  Heather
From :  Postmistress Vicki
Hi Heather:
My friend Babs wanted me to make sure you got her thoughts on your yoga pose.  Btw, Babs can't do yoga as it makes her fart!
me (your Mom)

To:  Postmistress Vicki
From:  Heather
Subject: Re: FW: redefining baby bump in week 33
Vicki:
Tell Babs to shut up, get a real name, and stop living in fear.

To:  Heather
Cc:  Postmistress Vicki
From:  Babs the Bitch
Ha! Regarding names... Heather, Babs was a Saint, while Heather’s merely a fugly weed that grows in Scotland.  Also Saint Babs is invoked against lightning strikes and sudden death, so baby girl, you better start giving your mother the props she deserves (start by calling her "Mom" better yet, "Mother dearest"...as you are not her equal).  And just for the record, Babs does yoga.  See below:

George Harrison on HBO

RIP Steve Jobs

"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose....There is no reason not to follow your heart. ... Stay hungry. Stay foolish."
    Steve Jobs
-- Stanford University commencement address, June 2005

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

--Apple Advertisement

52 year old sleeps with his mom and dad?

Dear Miz Emmy:
I work with a 52-year-old guy-- eloquent, witty, with two advanced professional degrees, who spends untold hours kvetching and wasting my time on the fact that he doesn't get play with the ladies.

Said dude lives at home with his Mom and Dad, which I think is bogus. Dude claims it's part of his "cultural" tradition, right, if being a goddamn cheapskate is part of your cultural tradition.

Anywho, guy's parents are footing the bill for him and his sister and brother-in-law to join them on a Christmas Cruise. Is it just me, or is it beyond weird that Mr. Cheap will be bunking on the pull-out cot in his parents' cabin? Suffice it to say, unless he removes batteries from Ma and Pa's hearing aids, he ain't gone get no play...but I think this borders on mildly ill. What if Ma and Pa want to get it on after winning the limbo contest for seniors? Is Pa going to hang his regimental rep tie on the cabin door?

Your thoughts. Can you bitch slap this dude for me? Maybe he'll listen to you Miz Emmy, get laid, and leave me alone...
     -Perplexed Pal

Dear Pal:
Unless he is changing their diapers and spoon-feeding them pureed bananas, Dude has no business living with his parents at age 52. It's his "cultural tradition" to be a pussy? He needs to step up to the plate, and prove he's a self-sufficient adult capable of providing his own food and shelter, before any woman is ever going to give him a second glance. Tight-wad, mooch, hanger-on -- are these the descriptions that induce the feminine heart to flutter? Certainly not.

And a grown man bunking with his parents on a cruise is nothing short of embarrassing. I am certain that when dude's parents made the offer, they were hoping that he would pony up the dough for his own digs, and save Dad from having to trip over his son's cheap ass every time he gets up in the night to shake hands with the Pope. And the woman Dude has been plying with Cosmos all night will definitely not be impressed when she is led to his room to discover the aging roommates, and is told, "Don't worry -- I stuffed their ears with cotton balls and put benadryl in their tea; they won't even know what's happening!" Talk about romantic...... I'm with you on this one, Pal.
     -Miz Emmy