Un-datable Cars

My work husband, Feckless Piker, and I had to attend a workshop this week on proper usage of the semicolon.  We drove in Piker's car that smelled like a colon. The unmistakable  miasma of rotting garbage assaulted my olfactory senses the minute I sat myself, like Miss Muffett on a Tuffet, on top of days old newspapers and trash littering the passenger seat.

"Dude your car has bad BO." 
"Oh, it's the garbage bag in the trunk."
"WTF?  Next time we're taking my car, are you sure it's not a severed head or the corpse of your Granny back there?"

Let me remind you we live in Florida.  In September the ambient air temp percolates to an afternoon high of 95 degrees.  The Piker has been tooling around town with a black plastic bag of rotting Kentucky Fried Chicken bones, banana peels, dirty Q tips, and who knows what else, fermenting in his trunk for a week.

"Dude you have cockroaches in this car."
"No I don't, you are SUCH a drama queen.  Where's the cockroach?"
"I can hear them scampering.  And why is there flypaper hanging from the rearview mirror, and 2 mouse traps in the back?"
 

To add insult to injury, a small flotilla of sea gulls followed, circling the motorized biohazard, pecking at the windows (requiring they remain rolled up), as if this vehicle was a garbage scowl on wheels.

We walked into the workshop, much to the consternation of fellow attendees, wreaking of eau d'garbage.

It's a step up from Piker's previous vehicle which necessitated I crawl in the passenger window to sit up front, or sit in the back ala Ms. Daisy, eking out a space amidst dirty underwear, and petrie dishes of Chik-Fil-A and Checkers detritus (and probably used condoms).  To add to the horror of riding in the old scowl, it had no air conditioning.  Battery powered oscillating fans from the Dollar Store provided relief during the warmer months of the year. Valets refused to park that car as they were afraid of contracting flesh eating bacteria.

Piker, your car was brand new and pristine a few short months ago.  It has slid into vehicular squalor with  alarming alacrity.  You ain't never gonna get laid,* or be a raconteur/bon vivant/ladies man if you insist on driving Grey Gardens on wheels.

Stay tuned for Part II of "Undatable/un-doable cars."

*Possible exception.  If you're lucky, a syphallictic, heavily tattoed, mind the gap, muffin-topped, carney girl taking tickets at "Cracker Country" at the Florida State Fair.

Buzz up! Barbara Holland, 1933–2010: The writer who celebrated her vices

From The Week posted on September 16, 2010, at 9:31 AM

Barbara Holland thought the American obsession with health and fitness was taking the fun out of life. “I’m in favor of a little more sociability, a little more merriment, maybe even a little more singing and dancing,” she told an interviewer after the publication of her 15th and final book, The Joy of Drinking, published just before Mother’s Day, 2007. “I was kind of hoping,” she said, “people would buy it for their mothers.”

Holland, who died this week of lung cancer at age 77, had a knack for making indulgence and excess look reasonable. Her essays, which “sang the simple pleasures of drinking martinis, cursing, and eating fatty foods,” struck a chord with readers, said The New York Times. Her fans kept an earlier book, Endangered Pleasures—a witty paean to a wide range of bad habits—in print for more than 15 years. But she was more than an advocate for vice. Her subjects ranged from her unhappy childhood in a Washington, D.C., suburb to her own “unsparingly” described abortion to the foibles of American presidents.

Holland “discovered her love for writing at an early age,” said the Loudon, Va., Times. As a teenager, she twice won National Scholastic poetry competitions, and once she graduated from high school, she wrote magazine articles to supplement her income as an advertising copywriter. Married and divorced three times, she wrote often in praise of solitude and self-sufficiency, pointedly rejecting Virginia Woolf’s claim that talented women required an allowance along with a quiet room in order to thrive. “No, Mrs. Woolf,” she wrote. “A job, Mrs. Woolf.”

Derek Cheater?

Give this man the Academy Award?

Your call?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lls-EKAKxV8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI67_vqkEkY

Indeed, one of the myriad reasons the Wankees are THE most hated team in baseball and Babsville.

"Detroit 1-8-7"

My peeps, if you're still vertical, even if you're horizontal, check it out tonight on ABC at 10:00 pm. 
http://abc.go.com/shows/detroit-1-8-7/video-detail/featured/pl_PL5565329

Babs just made a reservation to fly to Detroit on Christmas Day.  With the "9/11 fee," plus my checked suitcase (all cosmetics), Spirit Airlines charged me a grand total of $15.00 for one way airfare into the Motown. 

Remember last Christmas?  The underpants bomber flew into Detroit?  That combined with the average ambient air temperature of 17 degrees BELOW ZERO, make Detroit a less than "in demand"' destination for Holiday travellers. That said, the flight back to the Sunshine State cost me a pint of blood and plasma, respectively, a kidney, plus 3 alimony checks from Fang. 

Consider me your embedded correspondent.  Going into the line of fire to report back to you from the mean streets of the Motor City (okay, I am staying in Grosse Pointe, but it's close to Detroit).  Also, my sister Mame and I are on a mission to waterboard, with Glenn Livett product, our aging Auntie who holds in her addled brain some deep dark family secrets we want unearthed.

I am also hoping to get a lot of use out of my new, used, mink jacket.  My brother in law, Kip, keeps his house so GD cold, as all good members of the tribe are wont, that I'll probably have to wear this baby 24/7.       

Even without Tebow it was still a good football weekend...

Check out the "little giant" play by the Michigan State Spartans.  This is why American football kicks European futball's ass, just sayin'. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNdCbC36Qyk&feature=player_embedded



The Spartans know there's no crying in football.



Live your Dreams- Day of Atonement

You want your car back?

Here it is bitch.  A little wet, but the title's in the glove box.  Happy Day of Atonement, Fang!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOzdfaEPaR0

Is Christine O'Donnell Catholic?

This creature isn't fit to lace the gladiator stilletos of the likes of true (excommunicated) Catholics-- Madonna and GaGa.  Despite her faux Catholic name, readers, Christine O'Donnell is NOT R.C.  I hacked into the super secret database Vatican Central Witch Burning Registry dot com to verify this fact.     

Call central casting we need a younger, more insane version of Sarah Palin...

"I detest what you say; I will defend to the death your right to say it."
--Voltaire

"I detest what you say: I will defend to the death my right to have a wank."
--Babs

Tuesday's Mailbag

Dear Readers:

Below please find a smattering of the random love I receive via the world wide interwebs.

Unlike the rest of this blog, none of this is conjured nor fabricated from the whole cloth fertile imagination of Babs, every word of it is true. Folks, keep those cards and letters coming.


 

Subject: "Navel Gazing"

Date: September 12, 2010 9:54:07 PM PDT

To: Babs The Bitch

Dear Babs:

You are in some self deluded funny person parade of your own.

You are Muamar Gadaffi and I am the USAF 10th Tactical Air Command, bitch!!

Sincerely,

Guido

Subject: A nudge from Match.com

Date:  September 13, 2010 1:50:54 PM PDT

To: Babs the Bitch

Dear Babs:

Regarding your inquiry as to my living arrangements.  Yes, I was incarcerated...Bank and an armored car.  One assault, no injury.  Seventeen years in Federal Pen altogether.  Just realeased and living in a transition "facility."  I am tall and slender in USMC shape with lots of tatts.
Sincerely,
Chas.


Subject: "This Moment"

Date: September 13, 2010 9:54:07 PM PDT 

To: Babs the Bitch

Dear Babs: 

Please donate $5 or more to help grow this movement in the critical weeks ahead: https://donate.barackobama.com/ 
XXOO,
President Barack Obama  

It's all happening in Gainesville on Saturday...

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/fcb4ff33b2/burn-a-quran-day-dc-douglas-tweaks-hate-churches

Toxicology says...

This chick was WASTED!!
http://southwest.bakersfieldnow.com/content/coroner-doctor-died-asphyxia-chimney

Garbage Night

Just sayin'

The greatest slang phrase that appears to have gone viral.  It holds harmless the utterer of the offending statement with no need for citation or source of defense.

"Just sayin,' your boyfriend is a total douche." 

"Just sayin,' I think 'American Idol' is for retards."

"Just sayin,' have you ever thought he may not call you from Seattle cuz he's got a girlfriend there? (underbreath, dumb bitch)"

Emasculation of the Alpha Male

My guy friends bemoan the phenomenon known as the "de-balling" of the American man by the American woman.  A few examples, guys pushing strollers, walking lap dogs, and breast feeding babies.

Fellas, this Bitch concurs.  Politically correct American woman not only wants to exterminate you, she hates dominatrix bitches such as myself.  To wit some recent e-mail...

"Babs, you need to channel your inner Dali Lama. Find serenity and acceptance and marvel at the wonders and beauty of daily life. Suspend judgment and reaction. Look at the soul, not the face.  Namaste."

Dear reader, kindly fuck off!!!  To quote from one of the greatest movies of the modern era, "In the Loop."

Lt. Gen. George Miller: That's funny. What about you, pussy drip? Ever kill anyone?

Malcolm Tucker: Maiming's what I prefer. Psychologically.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yeah? Why don't you try to maim me? I'll hit you so hard in the face you'll be shitting teeth.

Blogalicious!!

I love it when I'm at a meeting and the chair says, "now for some 'housekeeping.'"  Just pops my language cork. 

Anywho (another corker), some blogtastic housekeeping news on value added dashboard items added  to "The Bitch:" 

• "Old Timey" words, and a poll on the sidebar.
• At the bottom, please find some of the Bitch's favorite ephemera from the world wide interwebs.
• Monthly meeting of the "Libacious Librarians & Philospophers" begins tomorrow promptly at 5:03 pm at Dunderbak's.  Secret password to be seated at our table "hornswaggle."
• As always, no matter how MEAN, please keep your comments to yourself.  No "just joshin'" as they say in Palinese.  Please folks, keep those card and letters coming.

All my love,
Babs

  

Hey Floridians... it's time to get your whack on

The State of Alaska is attempting, quite successfully I might add, to wrest from us the title of  "Mo FUSU" (Most Fucked Up State in the Union), which we have managed to maintain through most of the 20th and 21st centuries. 

Recent census data suggest FL still rates #1 in illiteracy, teachers having sex with underage students, carnies in residence, and number of freaky komodo dragons living in the Everglades.

However, Alaska is zooming it's Nascar nation, snowmachine riding, moose hunting ass right up behind us.   Some startling recently released census data indicates Alaska outranks Florida per capita in:

1.   Trailer Trash:

2.  Meth Labs

 

3.  Ugly Fat Girls  http://glenniacampbell.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c790e53ef0133f0e7b015970b-pi

4.  Bible totin,' heat packin,' creationist, birther, hunting, bigot, part-time village idiot, red flannel shirt wearin' U. S. Senators:

Joe Miller (TP-AK)

Floridians, I must level with you, I don't think there's much we can do at this point to reclaim our status.

They even have their own book on how to become a citizen of the "Last Frontier."

I haven't even mentioned their advances in meaningful cannibas production.  This, in a state that produces not one legal crop. 

Guys and gals of the Sunshine State we have been out-dysfunctioned at our own game.  Let's have another Margarita, and work on our tans.   

The love pours in...feedback from another satisfied reader...

"Saturday night, I opened your blog in which your advice to a young, sweet niece was to become a cold hard bitch (I guess so she could end up bitter and alone like you, and you'd have some company)."

Au contraire, I advised my niece to become a cold hard bitch so she doesn't end up UNEMPLOYED and on alimony for life like you. 

"Since you started your blog, your 'humor' has become so mean and nasty that it makes me cringe. You think it's because I'm not cool enough that I don't find it funny -- no, it's because I'm not MEAN enough."

Aww, shucks reader, not everybody can be MEAN & COOL and obviously you are neither.  Darling, leave the heavy lifting to us real bitches.  Oops I think your Junior League meeting is being called to order.

Wee Thread

Mame's daughter, Thread, is suffering from her first heartbreak this weekend.  Little Thread it won't be your last. 

Thread is a mongrel Jewess, almost shiksa, from the Midwest, who could boast of no inheritance, save hearty peddlars and educated scholars all the way back to the Russian pogroms. Despite her material shortcomings, Thread's face reflects all that's beautiful and good in Hebraic and feminine beauty.  A true stunner, and smart as a whip.

Poor Thread fell into the throes of young Yale heartthrob Jason Needle whilst attending Camp Mensa in the Catskills.  Needle, East coast, rich, and Kosher swept our young Thread off her feet.

Enter evil Grandma Phyllis Needle who conspired to make a better (richer) match for Jason, and poison the young lovers. 

So this weekend, Mame is nursing both her box of Franzia and young Thread through her first heartbreak.  My only advice for you dear, little, wee Thread, is take a page outta Elin Nordgren's playbook.  You have no choice but to become a cold hard bitch, who can put food on her table, and a roof over her head, come what may.  

I still believe, and hope you to do too, in Prince Charming and "happily ever after."

Love,
Auntie Babs       

Takes one to know one

Crawled outta the rack this morning.  Opened random e-mail from family first.  Subjects range from, "You suck," to "May God have mercy on your soul."  But the one that really got my attention was the following Bitch Citation issued from law enforcement kid sis Jane:

Jane you forgot to check, crazy, ill behaved, and myopic bitch. Nothing

says "Lennon Sister" love more than a carefully crafted bitch slap.   

Please send me a song that would be appropriate with this picture...

"Whatever Lola Wants"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-g5YNPzr8NM

If it isn't Swedish it's Crap!!!

Straight up admiration from this bitch to both the product and people of this fairy tale land, that I once had the great good fortune to visit. 

In fact, Fang and I got separated from our tour on the cobbled streets of Stockholm, and proceeded to tuck ourselves into a charming medieval pub for the afternoon.  When we finally tottered back to the bus, we were almost tarred and feathered by our fellow tourists, shunned for sure, but I digress..

Baby B, just to clarify the situation, there is no such place as "SCANDINOVIA."

Back to today's topic.  From the Saab, to meatballs, to Ikea I adore the quality product the folk of this socialist country produce.  Regular readers of this blog will know of my undying devotion to the undead Eric Northman. Here's a sampling of his fine fellow countrymen

Swedish Hockey Team

H.R.H. Prince Carl Philip

Today we are here to sing the praises of  Cold Hard Bitch (and I don't say that in a bad way), Elin Nordegren, who took care o' bidness in an efficient Swedish, non Tammy Wynette, Hillary Clinton "stand by your man" sort of way.  Elin didn't let love cloud her judgement, as I'm sure she really loved that cad Tiger, she just divorced the mofo straight up and is now a really cute, well to do single mum, living in a condo in Orlando, working on her psychology degree at Stetson University online. 

Eldrick you really fucked up.

Props, godspeed, and best of luck to you Elin.  The staff here at "The Bitch" dedicate the following song to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iay9gyLNdBw

Get out and Vote

Babs recommends:

U. S. Senator - Democratic Party Jeff Greene DEM Kendrick B. Meek DEM* *Anybody but sleaze ball Jeff Greene who will hopefully crawl back under the rock from whence he came.

Of course, in Nov. I'm voting for Charlie Crist!

U.S. Representative, Dist. 9 Democratic Party
Anita de Palma	DEM*
Phil Hindahl	DEM

* A woman.

Governor - Democratic Party
Brian P. Moore	DEM
Alex Sink	DEM*

*A woman and a kick ass CFO of the State of Florida.

Attorney General - Democratic Party
Dave Aronberg	DEM
Dan Gelber	DEM*

*Aronberg reminds me of my ex husband Fang Epstein.

State Representative, Dist. 60 - Democratic Party
Christopher Carlos Cano	DEM*
Russ Patterson	DEM

*Christopher Carlos Cano, his name is HOT!

Circuit Court Judge, Grp. 4
Liz Rice
Zilia C. Vasquez*

*Wise Latina.

County Court Judge, Grp. 10
Dick Greco Jr.*
Lanell Williams-Yulee

*Dick Greco is just that.

School Board Member, Dist. 6
Benjamin Fink
April Griffin
Sally A. Harris*
Terry Kemple

*My Grandma's name was Sally

Courage, it's only Monday

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."  --Anais Nin

Who would've thunk?

Baby sis' Mame continues to embrace this outdoor/healthiness/camping fad with frightening ardor. Frankly, I want to puke.  Bogart family, if you are reading this, we may have to stage an intervention.  Aww shucks, forget it, too much work, and we'd have to see each other. 

Mame sent Babs a text waxing on about the transcendence of setting up camp smelling woodsmoke and Lake Michigan (Xanax-STAT). This is the same Washington party girl extraordinaire that made Babs look downright Amish in comparison.  Mame did train as Babs apprentice, and she managed to outshine the master.  This is the self same girl who:

• Set her own acrylic nails afire during her chain smoking days.
• Got dry humped from behind by Ted Kennedy at a Capitol Hill office party, and liked it.
• Showed up drunk as a skunk with a possee of random guys at the hospital when Babs was in labor with Baby B (granted, Mame had been given strict and explicit marching orders to be there upon termination of confinement with a carton of Virginia Slims, and a bottle of Jack-- good soldier Mame).
• Told me once that "she only shagged at five star hotels."

Little gal got some kinda religion going with this camping shit? (not the first time...remember curly perms, and tae bo?)  Think I'll jes' set back and watch Mame continue to make a fool of herself, and remind her, once she comes too, and is once again shagging at five stars, of her unnatural flirtation with nature.  

Mame then.

                              

Mame Now