Hey Floridians... it's time to get your whack on

The State of Alaska is attempting, quite successfully I might add, to wrest from us the title of  "Mo FUSU" (Most Fucked Up State in the Union), which we have managed to maintain through most of the 20th and 21st centuries. 

Recent census data suggest FL still rates #1 in illiteracy, teachers having sex with underage students, carnies in residence, and number of freaky komodo dragons living in the Everglades.

However, Alaska is zooming it's Nascar nation, snowmachine riding, moose hunting ass right up behind us.   Some startling recently released census data indicates Alaska outranks Florida per capita in:

1.   Trailer Trash:

2.  Meth Labs

 

3.  Ugly Fat Girls  http://glenniacampbell.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c790e53ef0133f0e7b015970b-pi

4.  Bible totin,' heat packin,' creationist, birther, hunting, bigot, part-time village idiot, red flannel shirt wearin' U. S. Senators:

Joe Miller (TP-AK)

Floridians, I must level with you, I don't think there's much we can do at this point to reclaim our status.

They even have their own book on how to become a citizen of the "Last Frontier."

I haven't even mentioned their advances in meaningful cannibas production.  This, in a state that produces not one legal crop. 

Guys and gals of the Sunshine State we have been out-dysfunctioned at our own game.  Let's have another Margarita, and work on our tans.   

The love pours in...feedback from another satisfied reader...

"Saturday night, I opened your blog in which your advice to a young, sweet niece was to become a cold hard bitch (I guess so she could end up bitter and alone like you, and you'd have some company)."

Au contraire, I advised my niece to become a cold hard bitch so she doesn't end up UNEMPLOYED and on alimony for life like you. 

"Since you started your blog, your 'humor' has become so mean and nasty that it makes me cringe. You think it's because I'm not cool enough that I don't find it funny -- no, it's because I'm not MEAN enough."

Aww, shucks reader, not everybody can be MEAN & COOL and obviously you are neither.  Darling, leave the heavy lifting to us real bitches.  Oops I think your Junior League meeting is being called to order.

Wee Thread

Mame's daughter, Thread, is suffering from her first heartbreak this weekend.  Little Thread it won't be your last. 

Thread is a mongrel Jewess, almost shiksa, from the Midwest, who could boast of no inheritance, save hearty peddlars and educated scholars all the way back to the Russian pogroms. Despite her material shortcomings, Thread's face reflects all that's beautiful and good in Hebraic and feminine beauty.  A true stunner, and smart as a whip.

Poor Thread fell into the throes of young Yale heartthrob Jason Needle whilst attending Camp Mensa in the Catskills.  Needle, East coast, rich, and Kosher swept our young Thread off her feet.

Enter evil Grandma Phyllis Needle who conspired to make a better (richer) match for Jason, and poison the young lovers. 

So this weekend, Mame is nursing both her box of Franzia and young Thread through her first heartbreak.  My only advice for you dear, little, wee Thread, is take a page outta Elin Nordgren's playbook.  You have no choice but to become a cold hard bitch, who can put food on her table, and a roof over her head, come what may.  

I still believe, and hope you to do too, in Prince Charming and "happily ever after."

Love,
Auntie Babs       

Takes one to know one

Crawled outta the rack this morning.  Opened random e-mail from family first.  Subjects range from, "You suck," to "May God have mercy on your soul."  But the one that really got my attention was the following Bitch Citation issued from law enforcement kid sis Jane:

Jane you forgot to check, crazy, ill behaved, and myopic bitch. Nothing

says "Lennon Sister" love more than a carefully crafted bitch slap.   

Please send me a song that would be appropriate with this picture...

"Whatever Lola Wants"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-g5YNPzr8NM

If it isn't Swedish it's Crap!!!

Straight up admiration from this bitch to both the product and people of this fairy tale land, that I once had the great good fortune to visit. 

In fact, Fang and I got separated from our tour on the cobbled streets of Stockholm, and proceeded to tuck ourselves into a charming medieval pub for the afternoon.  When we finally tottered back to the bus, we were almost tarred and feathered by our fellow tourists, shunned for sure, but I digress..

Baby B, just to clarify the situation, there is no such place as "SCANDINOVIA."

Back to today's topic.  From the Saab, to meatballs, to Ikea I adore the quality product the folk of this socialist country produce.  Regular readers of this blog will know of my undying devotion to the undead Eric Northman. Here's a sampling of his fine fellow countrymen

Swedish Hockey Team

H.R.H. Prince Carl Philip

Today we are here to sing the praises of  Cold Hard Bitch (and I don't say that in a bad way), Elin Nordegren, who took care o' bidness in an efficient Swedish, non Tammy Wynette, Hillary Clinton "stand by your man" sort of way.  Elin didn't let love cloud her judgement, as I'm sure she really loved that cad Tiger, she just divorced the mofo straight up and is now a really cute, well to do single mum, living in a condo in Orlando, working on her psychology degree at Stetson University online. 

Eldrick you really fucked up.

Props, godspeed, and best of luck to you Elin.  The staff here at "The Bitch" dedicate the following song to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iay9gyLNdBw

Get out and Vote

Babs recommends:

U. S. Senator - Democratic Party Jeff Greene DEM Kendrick B. Meek DEM* *Anybody but sleaze ball Jeff Greene who will hopefully crawl back under the rock from whence he came.

Of course, in Nov. I'm voting for Charlie Crist!

U.S. Representative, Dist. 9 Democratic Party
Anita de Palma	DEM*
Phil Hindahl	DEM

* A woman.

Governor - Democratic Party
Brian P. Moore	DEM
Alex Sink	DEM*

*A woman and a kick ass CFO of the State of Florida.

Attorney General - Democratic Party
Dave Aronberg	DEM
Dan Gelber	DEM*

*Aronberg reminds me of my ex husband Fang Epstein.

State Representative, Dist. 60 - Democratic Party
Christopher Carlos Cano	DEM*
Russ Patterson	DEM

*Christopher Carlos Cano, his name is HOT!

Circuit Court Judge, Grp. 4
Liz Rice
Zilia C. Vasquez*

*Wise Latina.

County Court Judge, Grp. 10
Dick Greco Jr.*
Lanell Williams-Yulee

*Dick Greco is just that.

School Board Member, Dist. 6
Benjamin Fink
April Griffin
Sally A. Harris*
Terry Kemple

*My Grandma's name was Sally

Courage, it's only Monday

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."  --Anais Nin

Who would've thunk?

Baby sis' Mame continues to embrace this outdoor/healthiness/camping fad with frightening ardor. Frankly, I want to puke.  Bogart family, if you are reading this, we may have to stage an intervention.  Aww shucks, forget it, too much work, and we'd have to see each other. 

Mame sent Babs a text waxing on about the transcendence of setting up camp smelling woodsmoke and Lake Michigan (Xanax-STAT). This is the same Washington party girl extraordinaire that made Babs look downright Amish in comparison.  Mame did train as Babs apprentice, and she managed to outshine the master.  This is the self same girl who:

• Set her own acrylic nails afire during her chain smoking days.
• Got dry humped from behind by Ted Kennedy at a Capitol Hill office party, and liked it.
• Showed up drunk as a skunk with a possee of random guys at the hospital when Babs was in labor with Baby B (granted, Mame had been given strict and explicit marching orders to be there upon termination of confinement with a carton of Virginia Slims, and a bottle of Jack-- good soldier Mame).
• Told me once that "she only shagged at five star hotels."

Little gal got some kinda religion going with this camping shit? (not the first time...remember curly perms, and tae bo?)  Think I'll jes' set back and watch Mame continue to make a fool of herself, and remind her, once she comes too, and is once again shagging at five stars, of her unnatural flirtation with nature.  

Mame then.

                              

Mame Now

Funkified Fry-day Goodness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YsfJf0asDo

That Man by Macy Gray
We always rock around
We always rock around
We gonna rock around
We always rock around

I was so happy 'bout the love I found 'til I went to the library and I saw him
Sayin', "Oh yeah
Oh yeah, I want That Man"
He stole my heart and he's killing me softly
He stole my heart and he's killing me softly

She said, "Oh, if he's stealin' and killin' then he must be a black man" (A black man)
He's my brand new Ferrari
He's my piece of cake
My personal President of the United States

Hey baby, hey daddy, hey sugar, you sure are a looker in your bling-bling chain and your Gucci shades

He got the custom Range Rover

I think I'm comin' over, saying, "Oh yeah
Oh yeah, I want that man"
I'm gonna say it loud

I'm gonna say it loud

I was so happy 'bout the love I found

See, I went to the museum and I saw him

Oh yeah

Oh yeah, I want that man

He wrote me poetry and bought me a car

He wrote me poetry and bought me a car

She said, "Oh, if he wrote you poetry and bought you a car, he must be a nice man"

He's my brand new Mercedes

He's my piece of pie He's my very own personal Jesus Christ

Hey baby, hey daddy, hey sugar, you sure are a looker in your bling-bling chain and your Gucci shades
He got the custom Range Rover
I think I'm comin' over, saying, "Oh yeah
Oh yeah, I want that man" (That man)

Hey baby, baby, I've been lookin' all over the world
You be my man, I will be your girl
I think together we could go real far
Especially if we had a jet, private
You can get it, you bet it
Hey baby, baby, I've been lookin' all over the world
You be my man, I will be your girl
Extraordinary (That man)
I wanna marry (That man)


Hey daddy, hey sugar (That man), yeah, you sure are a looker (That man)
When I look at you, all I have to say is, "That man"

Bitch 101

Welcome to our online course Fall Semester 2010. 

Required texts below:

• I Can't Be Good All the Time
• Bitch: In Praise of Difficult Women
• Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship "Honey, do your own fucking laundry."
• Getting in Touch with Your Inner Bitch, 3E A primer for all you "nice girls" out there.
• Bitches on a Budget: Sage Advice for Surviving Tough Times in Style  "Frugality is fun!"

Hint: Titles above should be hidden on the bookshelf, behind our supplemental readings below:

• Football For Dummies, (USA Edition)
• The Little Bit Naughty Book of Blow Jobs
• Cosmo's Guide to Red-Hot Sex

Movie and TV reviews...

Baby B and the Bitch spent the day drinking mimosas and cleaning out closets.  Bitch got 4 closets literally bursting at the seams:  1) work clothes; 2) archival clothes; 3) sportswear; and 4) coats and jackets.  Yea, bitches-- it gets really cold in Florida in January and part of February.  What Baby didn't want we winnowed out for the Salvation Army. 

Did I ever tell you the story about my Grandma taking a truck load of her tacky housecoats, and A & P dishes, and random mothball kingdom shit to the SA.  She was there when the door opened the next morning to buy it all  back. Grannie could flip a mean old school bird, and plowed through 4 husbands. 

We then proceeded to prevent scurvy, eat Gulf shrimp, & watch Hot Tub Time Machine. John Cusak looks like he's gotten a facial peel gone awry. I bestow a grudging 2-3 stars but it's no The Hangover (R-Rated Single-Disc Edition), or Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (Unrated Edition), "True Blood" (oh Eric, I dream of becoming your vampire bride), topped off by "Cold Mountain" (unfortunately Jude Law is such a shrimp, but Jack White steals the show).  If you ask me Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgard) should've played Inman.

P.S.  Meg White lookalike and pal from back in the day who swears like a longeshoreman...congrats on Baby Georgia.  Love the fact you've got her in baby Lily Pulitzer.  Get a Polish nanny and get back to work my friend.  And don't tell me you're breast feeding...you will destroy your magnificent rack girlfriend. 

P.P.S.  Hey Jane hows recovery from your wild weekend in Florida going?   

Rand McNally, not to be confused with Rand Paul, or Rue Paul...

Lil' Sis Jane,  post menopausal yet still buying camoflague pull ups for her kids at Sam's Club, is getting her drink and smoke on and running wild through the Sunshine State this weekend in her rented PT Cruiser, sans husband and kids. 

Jane had to escape the heat and humidity in Michigan...and wtf, where did bitch go?  Florida of course. 

Jane stopped by to get directions to South Beach via Ybor City and I gave her my official map of FL. 

Hey, have fun this weekend Jane.  Good luck, but remember the Bogart Family Motto on our coat of arms "Quantis nilus, bondus haggis probundus"  translation: "Don't call me, bitch, I ain't bailing yo' sorry ass out of jail."

TGIF

All workplaces should be outfitted with emergency exits...

....Jet Blue Flight Attendant, Steve Slater!!  Us Gals love you.  My man, gird your loins for your 15 minutes of Andy Warhol fame. 

Although Steve sets my gay dar soaring into the Liberace 100 centipoofs range--it's of no never mind, he's a working class hero!!  Brass cujones.  The beers on the way down the shoot--piece d'resistance.  Lots o' flair Stevie.  Let the revolution begin!!

Bring it on home, Stephen Colbert...
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/11/steven-slater-colbert-vid_n_678510.html

Most Wanted...

The FBI has released the sketch of the Flint, Michigan Serial Killer who's stabbed 8 men. 

Hey, isn't that gay pin up boy, world's most notorious baby daddy Levi Johnston?  Who was coincidentally seen running away unscathed from the Ted Stevens plane crash earlier today?  Just joshing, Levi's only got 2 things on his mind and they both begin with the letter "p."

Get a Spine...

Since you don't have one there...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Spineless%20discharge

Epic Shakespearean Tragedy

Am I alone, or is it painful to watch the debacle of Tiger Woods physical and mental death spiral played out on the world's stage? 

Is there anything that could redeem this wretched creature?  Yes... talent, courage, and gumption. 

Tiger you will never change your stripes, and you are no match for your Nordic goddess soon to be ex wife, who has won this battle. 

You are a beaten man, and you need to retreat, regroup, and take a page out of U. S. Grant's playbook. Go back to your own personal Galena, Illinois, and then arise like a phoenix from the ashes. 

Okay Grant saved the Union, but you are charged with the task of saving the most boring game on the face of the earth from it's own demise.

What's with the horrid green shirt, white belt, and trou that look like Mamma hemmed them after tippling a box of Franzia at the Akron La Quinta last night?  The bad boy, goatee, flava sava, makes you look downright unsavory.

Time Machine...Back to 1973

Consensus in the hot tub time machine amongst us philosophers this gorgeous evening in the tropics...

Votes:  1973 (Kay), 1974 (Babs), 1977 (Piker).  ABC, Mic, Anna....all agreed back to '73. 

4, 3, 2, 1....Here we go.....

Killer mosquitoes and sticks.

My brother in law Kip is taking little sis Mame camping in Colorado.  Mame's been kitting herself out in smashing jodphurs and netting-- think Mem Sahib Jewel in the Crown-- meets Phyllis Neffler.

The way Mame is packing they're going to need at least two sherpas to tote her hair product, wardrobe, and wine cellar up to the campsite. Kip is just asking for trouble, but he's in the brainwashing bidness these days and has convinced Mame that only slovenly, no account campers get eaten by stinky bears in wildlife.  According to Kip a good refesher in becoming Bear Smart is to watch back to back episodes of Yogi and Boo Boo on the Cartoon Network.  Is this man trying to kill my sister? 

The minute Mame's exquisite camo boots inadvertently step in and are bespoiled by a huge steaming, stinking pile of bear scat, comprised of among other things, a shining human incisor, and randomy manicured finger tip in OPI Red, Mame may want to reconsider the advisability of this lark.  I've suggested she outfit herself with a small stylish clutchable firearm, that could accidentally mortally wound Kip in the event of a bear attack. 

So back to killer mosquitoes and sticks posing as rattle snakes.  Us savvy Floridians know 'tis the season of encephilits werein a random mosquito coud bite you and your head would swell to twice it's size before you died a slow and painful death-- needless to say, you would show absolutely awfully in an open coffin.

Also pygmy rattlers swarm to suburbia at this time of year in a concerted effort to wreak vengence on unsuspecting humans by posing as harmless sticks just waiting to sink their evil fangs into your lower extremities.  Bite won't kill you, but shitty Florida Blue Cross Blue Shield coverage in the form of a bill delivered upon your discharge from hospital, may just do the job.   

This is why I only venture out into that wicked sizzle of Sol, to perform my duties as a wage slave, get my nails done, and random larks to Stein Mart fully armed to the gills with taser and/or pepper spray, also bring rubber cement for a random sniff should I need to bolster myself during times of crisis.  Haven't even touched on  the sassy Florida gator, which is just waiting pond-side for a stupid fat Yankee to toss him a random marshmallow. 

Have fun in CO Mame, and remember make Kip pay for EVERYTHING.