Complete Manual of Things that Might Kill You

Or, "How to mind fuck a hypochondriac."  Perfect to give or receive prior to a long holiday weekend...

With over 300 deadly diseases profiled, conveniently organized by symptom (real or imagined), even the mildest hypochondriac’s fantasy life will be ignited. Includes fascinating spotlights on terrifying medical phenomena

Did you know that hiccups may be a sign that you have the EBOLA VIRUS? (no known cure, 90% fatality rate) Salivating a lot? You might have RABIES. Toes discolored? GANGRENE. Dropping things? Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. (don't ask) This amazing volume helps you find the worst possible diagnosis for whatever is bothering you! For instance, let's say you're having vision problems. Well, it might be that you're just tired or hungover. But if you consult this book, you'll be thrilled to discover you might have LOIASIS (worms that wiggle through your body and set up shop in your cornea)

If you're a hypochondriac, you can't possibly live without this book. (Come to think of it, you can't live WITH it, either.)  If you live or work with a hypochondriac, it's great fun to watch them totally lose their mind, as this book is chock full of disgusting graphics, charts, and descriptions.

 --Smoke em if you got em xoxo Babs

"Yacht Rock" Redux - New Music Tuesday

From among the flotsam and jetsom of "pop music,"  Babs has selected the following for this week's "Yacht Rock" new music pick. My criteria is as follows:

1.  Does it channel "Yacht Rock?"  Specifically do you hear Michael McDonald iconically singing background vocals?
2.  Can you "ride like the wind" on land, air, and sea while grooving to this music?
2.  Would you look really cool if riding a vespa smoking a cigarette with this music playing in the background?
3.  Would Sonny Crockett have this on his playlist? 
   

--Babs

Post Rapture Hangover

Well, here we all are...no "Rapture," no looting, no wilding in the streets, no bacchanal, no wanton promiscuous behavior....wait, what I can remember of yesterday included all the above.  And I think I suffered a rupture at the rapture party. 

Personally, I feel like hell today.  So maybe it really did happen?  I'll wait for cognitive re-entry to try to piece it all together.

Yours in sin and repentance...
---Babs

Save the Date 5/21/2011

Just a reminder, Jesus is coming tomorrow for the "Rapture."  This is how it's gonna work, all the "holy holies" will be sucked up into heaven, and the rest of us sinners will be left here on earth.  How fun is this gonna be?

Post-rapture looting has been scheduled from noon-3:00p in your respective time zones.  My friend Sally from Tally and I have scheduled our post-rapture looting itinerary as follows:
1.  Sephora
2.  Perfume counter at Nordstrom's
3.  Shoe department at Nordstrom's
4.  Ikea
5.  Total Wine
6.  Lowry Park Zoo, cuz I've always wanted a pony. 

And last but not least, on my looting "wish list..."  To his hotness, Mr. Parker Stone, I am praying fervently to our Lord and Savior that your wife is one of the "elect" and gets sucked up into the heavenly vortex, as I've been coveting you for years.

Food for thought...

Will your bloodline survive? 

Blogger Black Out

It happened on Friday the 13th.  For nearly 24 hours Google Blogger was down.  Initially I thought it was an Al Quadea plot. 

It was a stressful time.  I'd like to share some of my techniques for coping with Interweb outtages: 

1)  Simma down now...

2)  Try to concentrate on your real-world paying job and real live people, and actual conversations with real live people.  This may result in a type of sensory overload. 

3)  Keep channelling your inner Scarlett...



4)  Whine/wine



5)  Live better chemically

   





6)  "Whatever gets you through the night."

7) Rember, as the "Good Book" says, "let it go, this too shall pass:"  Note:  See, Mom and Dad I did learn a few things thanks to 12 torturous years at Catholic School:








"Project Fortnight" failed fabulously.

I don't know if I'm using this word correctly.  Anywho a fortnight ago, after a big snortful of Skyping with cousin Bill in the UK, I decided to "ponce up" my vocab a bit and go all UK giggy with the colonists.  Specifically I was gonna try to use the word "fortnight" in every day American dialogue.   

Guess what?  Totally lost in translation, un-doable, if not untenable in the U.S.  First off, I cracked myself up every time I tried to use it.  At the reference desk I'd say to a patron "if you request that article via inter library loan you'll get it within a fortnight" and immediately start laughing so hard, so as to put my head on the desk. 

If a friend would say "hey you wanna go out for a drink?" 
"Can't tonight, but let's pencil it in within the fortnight." 
"WTF a fortnight?"
"Yea, we get paid in a fortnight or upon a fortnight." 
"Hey Jane Austen you need to get outta your 'fortnight' more often, you're losing it, bitch."

Now I have had much more success with "Project Meat Raffle."  Nobody knows what the hell it means.  Just try peppering your daily dialogue w/a random allusion to a "meat raffle."  Trust me Americans dig it.    

Seven things you DO need....

Overnight my readers sent me the following uplifting articles:

1.  http://money.msn.com/saving-money/7-things-you-do-not-need-anymore-weston.aspx
In addition to the above stated technological artifacts...another useless artifact would be that ridiculous sheepskin hanging on your wall, earned at the cost of blood, sweat, and tears (not to mention a marriage or two) from Wayne State University, Detroit, Michigan
2. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/07/detroit-illiteracy-nearly-half-education_n_858307.html

Seven things you DO Need:
1.  Real living breathing friends.
2.  Real books not dependant on batteries, nor read on a screen.  Particularly helpful when you have no real friends, or to lend to your friends when you have some. 
3. Rock 'N Roll.
4. A big vocabulary replete with big words, that you can spell correctly to befuddle mere mortals. 
5. Cash stash.
6. A car.
7. A Good Mom.

What is a good mom?  Mine was.  She wasn't perfect, in fact all I wanted was a cool mom, which she wasn't... my mom was a tea-totalling, god-fearing quintessential pathetic creature... a 50's housewife:

My mom's typical day.

But my Mom gave me major "mojo."  Despite our obvious differences-- from birth, my Mom could not believe I was her progeny, nor I hers.  That said, she made me and my siblings think we were the best looking, smartest, funniest, most special people on the face of the earth.  Some may coin this "mojo" cockiness, if not hubris, so be it...but folks, that vainglory and optimism has gotten me through the massive shit life hands us all in due time, i.e. death, divorce, poverty, sickness, abandonment, etc... with courage and style.

Babs...drunk by six. 

Oh and best of all my mom taught me how to dress and decorate like a million bucks, and think no man/woman my better, when in reality I usually have only a five spot in my bank account.

Miss you today Mom.

Love,
Babs

Soundtrack of your life



Questioning some of the crunchy bits found in my fish taco.

Folks, really?  the Taco Bus?  Can we rethink this venue?  Does wicked things to the immune system.  Company and conversation always stellar, just couldn't get past the hanging fly paper.

So the conversation veered to soundtracks of one's life.  Mine gotta be "Rumors" by Fleetwood Mac.  Revisited a couple a five videos from emotional reunion of the Mac back in '97. 

If looks could kill...
Stevie:  "Fuck you Linsdsey."


Lindsey:  "Back atcha Stevie." 


What's the soundtrack of your life?

This bitch is out-bitching me...

Click below to read the innermost thoughts of Princess Kate....

http://singlegirlblogging.com/2011/05/04/the-innermost-thoughts-of-princess-kate/

Taco Bus #1 Tampa

Bring your own bottle(s)!!

When: 5/6/11.  5p-??.  Joint's open 24 hours.

Where: Taco Bus http://tampatacobus.com/

Why:    To bid a fond farewell to a good man and his lady.

Informative Links:  http://www.zingotampa.com/

Weddings American style...

Yea, the Royal Wedding was groovy, all the little pages, and pomp and circumcision, oops I mean circumstance.

And wow, the guys at work made huge deposits of Pippa in their royal spank banks of England.

The following movie, ala the Hangover, shows the world how we Americans do it.

Motivational Deficiency Disorder - Happy 4/20

Have you have ever felt lazy, slovenly or just like "the man is out to get you?"  You may have Motivational Deficiency Disorder (MDD). I know I do.  One in five people suffer from this disorder and many don’t know they have it. This scientifically validated new test (p=0.3) will only take 30 seconds, and it could save your life.*

1. Have you ever felt lazy or apathetic? Yes/No

2. Do you have a family history of laziness? Yes/No

3. Do you ever feel tired on a Monday morning? Yes/No

4. Have you ever considered hiring someone to clean the gutters? Yes/No

5. Are you breathing? Yes/No
*Argos L, et. al., Journal of Motivational Medicine, 2011 April 1;4:78-92

If you answered YES to just one question – you should see your doctor today!  Watch the video below, and know you're not alone...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoppJOtRLe4&feature=player_embedded

Life of Christ in Cats Commemorative Plate

In honor of Holy Week 2011.  Once again, I have successfully maintained my Lenten observences, and abstained from Crystal Champagne, Caviar, and sex in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. 

 

(Viz Comic February 2011 #202)

Federal Furlough in Florida...Fab, Fantastic, Fun!!!

This is a message to all my fellow civil servants of the better-paid,  Federal variety....folks I know you're girding your loins for the upcoming furlough...


I extend to you the warm hand of southern hospitality.  Come on Down!!!

Bring your greenbacks, and carpetbags, credit cards, and pasty sun-starved Vitamin D deprived badsefs.

FURLOUGH IN FLORIDA!!

We got it all for ya here in the Greater Tampa Bay Area...

The Weeki Wachee Mermaid Show

Fun-Lan Drive In Movie Theatre, Flea Market and Swap Shop



A plethora of clean, available rentals.

A "short sale" available for weekly rental. 



Alligator Wrasslin'
Photo courtesy of my late Mum's estate.  That's my Dad. 

Numerous cultural venues

Vaule added.... rogue mystery monkey on the loose.

And folks I haven't even mentioned the "Girls Gone Wild" scene on Clearwater Beach.  Best vacation value for the back pay you ain't nevah gonna receive.
xoxo
Babs

Who loves Rock N' Roll better than America?

NO ONE...cuz we INVENTED IT!!  I don't want less freedom, I want more...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCFj4UpUhRU

See sidebar "Rock Songs I never get sick of."  Please share comments on rock songs you never get sick of.  
xoxo
--Babs

World Map

Enroll now in USF Geography 101:  Openings for Spring Semester

Kiss me I'm shit faced, or forgive me father for I have sinned

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gdlkx_cIqtE&feature=related

xoxo--Babs

Note to self: Do not send condolence notes to bereaved when under the influence of product

Dear friend Emma Eiderdown was most egregiously traumatized yesterday.  She had agreed to meet her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Perkins for coffee.  Dude shows up, perky all right.  In fact he was sorely in need of a 55DD cup to contain his perkiness.  The man has gained 20 lbs., and it went, well you can guess where.  The medical term for this condition is known as gynecomastia.  

So last night Emma and I are digitally rehashing the day, when we decide cocktails just aren't taking the edge off the bogus-ness of "moobs" in a mock tee. What we need to do is re-hash this day.
  
B:  We need some product to get us through this.
E:  It's a little early for me....But what the hell, I've had a rotten day. I cried so hard when I saw Mr. Perkins I got snot all over my clothes.  And remember my friend Debbie, the one who lived in the school bus for awhile, and presently lives in a barn, THAT Debbie? She's coming over later, so, yeah, I deserve an early bowl!

One hour later, and Em and Babs are all "Harold and Kumared" out & jonesing for White Castle. 

 B:  ....only problem w/product is I start thinking about taking a taxi to IHOP for some blueberry "flapjacks."

E:   ...with a stop off at Howard Johnson's, for some Tendersweet Fried Clams....
B:  Yum, with a final stop at the Cheesecake Factory for sweet potato fries?
E: Let's do it!
B:  Not tonight, how 'bout on my birthday? 
E:  I suddenly can't remember if your birthday is the 5th or the 25th....can you believe this shit?!!!  
B:  Thinking, WTF bitch has known me since kindergarten and she can't remember my birthday?
E:  I tell you....WHY AM I TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT???? Do you realize it has taken me a freakin' HOUR to try to type my wandering thoughts......Help me pick a date -- 

One hour later, feeling even better... Mr. Perkins, taxis to HoJos, and birthdays have been totally forgotten...along with Debbie who lives in a barn.

E:  Babs you need to help me.  I need to write a note of condolence to my neighbor Rose, whose mother died today, and I can't write worth a shit tonight.  Can you help me -- it's right up your alley, along with obituaries, grave plotting, and tombstone epitaphs!  Please, Babs please, could you write me a condolence note?
B:  Dear Rose:Please know I am thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. My most heartfelt condolences.
E: Can you write me another quickie that isn't quite this formal? I think I figured it out. Rose would rather have a hug than a handshake......Does that make sense? Or am I being high?
B: Dear Rose:  I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please know that I am here for you should you need a shoulder to cry on, a cup of tea, or a snort of brandy.
E:  Not quite, one more time?  Please ?
B:  Dear Rose:  My Dentist has just gifted me with some fine ass hydroponic product, that I am certain would make you feel much better during these troubling times. Please give me a jingle and we'll make it happen sooner rather than later.
E:  Ha!  Love it!
B:  Hit "send" for the love of God.
E:  Oops, I just did. 

Signature Scent

Scratch and sniff