Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!!

Try to out-decorate me, bitch.

Babs is crazy busy today putting the final touches on her holiday decor.  I am so dedicated to this cause I'm about to don my hazmet suit, and beekeepers hat for some random dumpster diving outside the gross anatomy lab in the hopes of scoring  a random limb or at least some human tissue to add verisimilitude to the macabre madness that is my front door. 

My new neighbor threw down the guantlet several weeks ago when she lined her driveway with severed heads on spikes, a spooky minefield of sounds effects, and a corpse hanging in a tree. 

Things have escalated to epic proportions.  Each trick or treater visiting my house will receive an amputated digit in a box (you can buy anything online from China for a price), and an assortment of candy to to die for.  None of this sugar free, low fat crap...I'm talking the good shit...

Atomic Fire Balls, Bit-O-Honey, Boston Baked Beans, Bubble Gum Cigar, Candy Buttons on paper tape, Candy Necklace,  Chiclets, Dots, Dubble Bubble Gum, Fizzies Drink Tablets, Jawbreakers, Jujubes, Lemonheads, Necco Wafers, Now & Laters, Pixy Stix, Red Hots, Root Beer Barrels, Smarties, Teaberry Gum, Tootsie Pops, Wax Bottles (Nik-L-Nips), Wax Lips and Zagnut!

Last but not least my personal favorite...

Candy Cigarettes!!  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClQcUyhoxTg

Niceville, Florida

They won't let Babs into Niceville

Dear Readers:  I refer to to the patently retarded golf ball blog post of earlier this week.  My dedicated reader Claire was unaware that the golf ball "incident" indeed went down in our own beautiful state, specifically in a town called Niceville, Florida. 

To bastardize Michigan's state motto, which is highly specious if not ludicrous:

Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice 

(If you seek a pleasant peninsula look about you.) 

Si quaeris queeram fabula amoenam circumspice

(If you seek a kooky story look about you.)

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXEKMDED5WA

The English Language in 24 accents...

Kid's brilliant...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dABo_DCIdpM

This kid ain't got no accent
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPPHjOX1wZc

File under "Get a Job"

This so patently ludicrous on so many levels.  WTF is a grown woman doing randomly trampolining during the workday?

http://www.nwfdailynews.com/common/printer/view.php?db=nwfdn&id=34265

R.I.P. June Cleaver

June Cleaver after a six pack

June Cleaver was cool.  



Run like Hell

Detroit Metropolitan Chapter Evening Fundraiser TONIGHT!!

5K Run... Walk if you want.  I know I'd be hauling my sorry cigarette-smoking ass through those spooky streets, praying "feet don't fail me now."  Object of the fundraiser:  folk run like hell through the moonlit, haunted, abandoned streets of Detroit to make it to the safety of the Woodward Avenue Brewery.  

Just imagine...the momentary visceral thrill.... a short, scary, skeedaddle through the valley of the shadow of death...a fine craft brew awaiting you at the end of your ordeal?  Super value added!  Truly a reality show, Ringling Bros, Barnum & Bailey,  Hieronymus Bosch seven layers of hell experience rolled into one tidy fund raising package! 

Can we not officially bestow, with laurels, the "Nero Played while Rome Burned" award to Detroiters for accepting with humor the bathos of their pathos? or vice versa?

Babs is Back in Mean Mettle

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!"

A tiny thimbleful of wickedness...dedicated to those of you north of the Mason Dixon:

http://www.baynews9.com/weather/web-cams

I will be out of the office. If this is an emergency please follow Babsthebitch on Twitter.

Doing the work of the people, while looking smashing.

I owe you an explanation...not really.




Since I announced my blog blowing hiatus, the Bitch's inbox has become engorged with love/hate mail. It's hard to tell the difference. Below please find today's batch:

Guido:  It brings meaning to life, plus your slavic peeps would be devistated [sic] and therefore diminsh this country's civil diplomacy.

From Mr. O: Were you not just telling me that your blog was NOT real?  I think there's more than a little Madonna in Babs-- selfish bitch. 

From Stacy:  I'm a bit biased.  I enjoy your blog. How are things in FLA? Are you coming to MI anytime soon? ('Cuz I wanna kick your ass, ha. psych. jk.?).

From Sexy Kay:  God, Bitch, it's about time you checked into rehab.

From Bonnie Jo Stan:  Bitch, if you be out hiking the Appalachain Trail again with my husband, I'm gonna mop the floor with your scrawny ass. 

From Emma Eiderdown:  I need a vacation from you.  Oops, Freudian slip, I meant I'd like to take a vacation with you.

From Joe Biden:   Babs --I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you.  And we believe in you (like we believe in Santa Claus). --Joe

From li'l sis' Jane:  What games are you playing?

The last thing in the world I wanna do is hurt you.



But it's still on my list.

 With that I must bid you a temporary adieu.  Babs is going off the grid for a while.  No worries she'll be back soon,  Until then I leave you with two (2) great, thought-provoking video deposits to your respective spank banks.
--- xoxo Babs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYwgG2oyUbA&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhYYd5adVY4

...for now.



Truth is Stranger than Fiction...

...in Alaska...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6Q0tYjFTng&NR=1

Casting Call for "Freedom" by Franzen

Richard Katz and Walter Bergland?

Check back frequently for updates.  Please leave comments.



 

    

Connie Monaghan and Joey Bergland





 





Eliza

Dead bodies mistaken for Halloween decorations



Who doesn't love Halloween?  And what about the festive decor of death and dismemberment that turns suburbia into spooky graveyards?  Fun!!!

 Babs keeps track of the perennial variation on the following story:
 

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/10/man-dead-on-balcony-for-days-because-neighbors-think-body-is-halloween-decoration.html

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9841877/

Unbelievably, this is not a frequent occurrence in Florida.  Climatatic differences I 'spose.  Please send any breaking news on this phenomenon to the author. 

How to be a gay man...

http://www.ns.umich.edu/index.html?BG/317descr

Fang, you could have significantly increased your GPA had you taken this class.

Stylin' the "Brayser"

Harry Truman throwing out the opening pitch 1951.


Check out the way fans used to dress to attend a baseball game.  My old man used to wear a hat and tie to the games well into the '60's. 



Here is your typical American couple attending a ball game in 2010. Gag reflex!! Actually, I think it's a NASCAR event, but you catch my drift..

 Tampa Bay and Joe Maddon are on the cutting edge of returning sporting events to the realm of the civilized.  Our Rays are struggling, but they have brought sartorial splendor and class back to the ole ballpark.

Here's our own B.J. Upton looking nothing short of fabulous!!


http://www.nesn.com/2010/10/joe-maddon-asks-fans-to-plaid-out-tropicana-field-commissions-production-of-plaid-braysers.html

Gals and guys, let's take it up one notch.  Dig your madras out of mothballs, the fat lady hasn't sung, yet.  To you naysayers, haven't you seen "Field of Dreams?" 

Uber-hottie good guy independant Senate candidate Charlie Crist needs hit the campaign trail hard in a" Brayser."  The plaid, cut and color, would would flatter his fabulous tan and come hither, "let me run my fingers" through that head of hair, not to mention the Brayser would hang off his slim/trim frame better than any Peterman's male model.  Charlie, please don't let us down.  I can't stand to look at portly midget, tea drinking, mamma's boy, helmet head, "Just for Men" in a shade of Cordovan,  Marco Rubio (Sussio), for the next 6 years. 



Fifth Anniversary...

...Longer than I've ever been married to one man, or stayed at one job...FIVE YEARS.  Yes today I received an invitation to attend a banquet to honor my 5 years of service. We get to select from a spate of Florida-centric gifts, i.e. a purse size taser, a pocketknife, flask, vibrator, a packet of Cuban cigar seeds, a beer cozy and kabuki, etc.

It's really going to be an uber-posh affair.  We get to bus our own trays, valet park our own cars, and BYOB!

You don't see this bitch complaining--I do it for the love, not the money (oh yeah, and that big credit card bill from London that never seems to go away). 

Wow, am I hungover from Banned Books Week...

Between "read outs," "shout outs," and burning my bra and bridges it was a week chock full o' 1st Amendment fun and shenanigans.

I'm kinda bummed because next week affords no well orchestrated opportunity for civil unrest on company time.

How about "Everything I love Causes Cancer Week?"
Day 1:  Lay in the sun Sunday (sponsored by Ban d'Soleil)
Day 2:  Chain smoke Day (sponsored by Virginia Slims)
Day 3:  Tuesday morning pre-breakfast Rave (Popov)
Day 4:  Nail salon and beauty product toxicity Day (sponsored by Ho Chi Minh City Chamber of Commerce)
Day 5:  Get off-line and go on the wine Day (sponsored by Franzia)
Day 6:  Sleep all day, sloth, sex, and fried foods Friday (sponsored by AMA)
Day 7:  How to sell your organs and plasma for fun and profit on e-bay Day (Meg Whitman for Governor)