Historic choke to celebrate the historic choke.

I am firmly convinced that the Rays win only, and only if, I am knitting, not watching the game-- just knitting.  With out fail, if I deign to stop to look up at the TV-- action on the field stops or, the balls go loosey goosey, or the other team scores (don't you adore baseball lingo?). 

This has been my knitting output during the last two games with the evil Yankee empire.  I axe you, wtf am I going to do with this 12 foot long furry angora scarf in Florida?  Yea, yea, I can here the chorus of my sibs now "go hang yourself with that fugly scarf."  Hey folks...coming to a Xmas tree near you...

When Jeter was at bat my needles would spark and fly with righteous indignation if not seething anger.  Honest to God, I just hate that dude's cocky swagger, hauteur, and his "assume the position" batting stance. 

For those of you who can read, below is a good recap of the night of baseball, which can only be described as Shakespearean in scope. BTW, written by Bay City, MI homeboy.  http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/tampa-bay-rays-boston-red-sox-fates-converge-last-night-of-mlb-regular-season-decide-al-wild-card-with-historic-choke-092811

For many of you who can't or won't read the video below sums it all up pretty well. FYI, I'm dating the tall one.


P.S. To the righteous and opinionated Mr. Parker Stone, & my readers in the UK & Oz who look down their noses at baseball as akin to watching paint dry...fuck you and kiss my ass. Have at it y'all, with your extreme frisbee and uber boring soccer. Oops aren't those games for 6th grade boys and 4th grade girls respectively? Jus sayin'.

ABBY*

Any Body But the Yankees

I hate the Yankees thru and thru...
I hate the Yankees, yes I do.

Babs hates the Yankees just because...
Fang loves the Yankees, yes he does.

Jeter is a cheater yes he is...
A-Rod be a juicer, test his piz.

Jesus hates the Yankees yes he do...
Even though Koufax, he was a Jew.

My dad hates the Yankees I think he would...
If rise from up from the dead, I think he could.

I hate the Yankees thru and thru...
I hate the Yankees, yes I do.

Go Rays!!!

--Babs

Practice makes perfect?

Happy Autumnal Equinox Fellow Druids!!

Two of my favorite September songs.

The "Grab Life by the Balls" Bill

Doing my patriotic duty since 1974.  Can you say the same?

To juice or not to juice? That is the question...

Dear Followers:

Yay or Nay on "juicing" (you know, that little blue pill)? Please watch the video below, then comment and/or vote in the poll on the sidebar.

I don't waste one nanosecond of my precious time trying to change someone elses mind on ANYTHING (perhaps with the exception of potentially offing me or mine). Why?

1) I don't care what you think.
2) I don't care what you think of what I think.
3) When someone tells me what to think, I immediately think just the opposite.
4) Wayyy too much work!!

That said, I will give you my personal opinion about the little blue pill...fellas stop trying so hard (ha ha!). If you gotta juice,"you're not getting in."

Sad, sorry, world of online dating.

 These are actual real life photos that I have received via e-Harmony. 

What I asked for...




What I got. "Hey fatso, I can't wait to get in your fucking PT cruiser and drive around with you."  WTF? 

 

What I asked for....



What I got.  "Hey fatso, those pleated trou make you look slim.  Who gets on top?"



365 days to a man...

Re-upped for 3 more months on e-Harmony.  I believe in posting an honest profile.   Avoids all that "getting to know you shit."  Frick, I'm so bored with my own story, I can barely stand to tell it again.  Honesty will ensure the dude "gets you," so as to avoid disappointment.  Below please find my profile, complete with "must haves" and "can't stands." 

The one thing I am most passionate about:
Me!!!
Basic Information:
Occupation: Advanced degree in dying profession.
Age: 55
Height: 5' 4"
Wants Kids: No, I hate kids.
Kids at Home: No, only my 2 grown children are allowed into my home.
Ethnicity: Freckled and White
Religion: Lapsed Catholic
Drinks: Several times a day
Smokes: Whenever I can get some good product.
My interests:
I typically spend my leisure time: Drinking & smoking.

The last book I read and enjoyed:  "What Would Keith Richards Do?"
According to my friends:
My friends describe me as:
A bitch
A mean drunk
A joke
The three things I can't live without are:
Sex
Drugs
Rock & Roll
The first thing people notice about me:
I swear like a sailor.
 
What are you looking for in a man?

This would be it!!!

Top Ten Must Haves:

1. At least 6' 0," 6' 2" and above preferred.
2. Lean and a little mean.
3. Know 'bogart' is a verb.
4. A job, so you're not bugging me all the time.
5. A straight non-juicer.
6. Use your blinker (i.e.turn signal).
7. Cool car. (Doesn't need to be new or fancy, just cool).
8. Like to listen to rock music really loud.
9. Reside in or will relocate to slacker paradise, i.e. State of Florida.
10. Know what the "oxford comma" is.

Top Ten Can't Stands:

1. Mimes.
2. Know-it-alls.
3. Gynecomastics/Fat fucks.
4. Making friends with the wait staff.
5. Guys named Dick, Bob, or Jerky.
6. Pug Nose.
7. Comb overs, rugs, dyed hair.
8. Golfers.
9. Member of the Nascar Nation.
10. TEA-TOTALLERS NEED NOT APPLY!!!

So there you have it, a peek inside Babs' gentle soul.  Tomorrow I will share with you the actual matches that the retard e-Harmony computer/robot is sending me.

The Bitch is Back!!

Bitch had to go underground for awhile. But I'm back, bitchier than ever, after having returned from a vacation with my sister Jane.

Jane I'm gonna throw that fucking smart phone o' yours in the ocean!! AND WTF? A 25-mile bike ride on a 97-degree day? Jane, next year on your holiday, just check into a concentration camp.

And since when don't you eat leftovers? "I take good food that I've paid for and throw it out?" Don't you remember your starving student days dumpster diving at the University of Mott the Hoople?

Glad I parked my lazy ass at the pool. I think I met my future ex-husband.

Real Time Update from Richmond 11:10 p.m 8/27/11

"The wind is endless,and violent. No power since 4. Eating cheese and brownie bites."
--Emma Eiderdown, Richmond, VA

Aftershocks...more from the bed of our embedded seismologist...

Earthquake damage as seen from Emma's back porch.

"My bed started shaking at 1:08 AM, and then I heard the now familiar sounds in the walls, as the house shook with an aftershock.  But it was a very toned-down version of the previous incident -- I wasn't the least bit scared.  It was actually kind of cool......"
--Emma Eiderdown

Reading the above hearkens back to my 2nd honeymoon with my 1st ex-husband (or was that my 1st honeymoon with my 2nd ex-husband?).  No never mind-- Emma, I marvel at your sangfroid. 

Egad..from our "embedded" seismologist Emma Eiderdown, Richmond, VA

Babs was scared for Ms. Eiderdown? 
The wine?
Just a midday nap?
All of the above?   

"We just had a freakin' 5.9 earthquake!!!  My entire house was shaking so hard I thought it was going to crack in two!  I felt like I was stuck in an unbalanced washing machine -- I thought the entire house was going to blow up.  Pictures fell off the walls, books fell off of shelves, items fell all over the pantry, I have NEVER been that scared in my life.  Earthquake, hurricane, WTF?????"
--Emma

Hurricane Preparedness for Procrastinators: or the Big Blow

What was good for Ike is good for Irene.  Stage 1.

  

So sweet and beautiful...the perfect song for these soft summer nights in the tropics.

Be good to your librarian!!

Bushwalking...

"Central casting?  Send me the man of my dreams."

Question is... "what is a favorite pastime of our friends down under?"  BTW thanks to my OzN & Kiwi fan(s) for tuning into WBAB on a regular basis.  Now that I've got your attention I'll proceed with the topic of today's blog-- THE BUSH, you know (nudge, nudge) the real bush down under?  

One could accuse me of a pathetic attempt to get my blog stats soaring like the thermometer over N. America with a discussion so literally touchy and personal as The Bush-- and dad gum it, you'd be right.  But I'd like to get my readers "feel" on this "hot" topic.

Recently it was brought to my attention that girls are having a depilatory procedure performed that will permanently deforest their bush.  "Egad and Ick" say I.  Baby girls, grow up.  Fellas, are you serious?

I may have bitten off more than I can chew, but I'd like to know what your "taste" is on this "hairy" topic.  Please vote in the non-scientific, anonymous sidebar survey...
--xoxo Babs  

Big Books

Above pic found on http://www.swissarmylibrarian.net/
Post entitled "Swear Like a Librarian."
If you don't get it...why are you reading my blog?  See * below, you're welcome. 

I am going to submit my personal personal favorite "See U Next Tuesday."  As in "what a See U Next Tuesday she is."  Or another way to use:  one of your douchey (ha) colleagues is headed out for a long weekend..."hey (Brenda you bitch sotto voce)  See U Next Tuesday"  Very empowering in a passive/aggressive sort of way. 
*

Dear Miss Emmy:

Today I welcome guest blogger Emmy Eiderdown: 

If you have a perplexing  question--  the more f***** up the better,  send them to Miss Emmy c/o babsthebeeitch@gmail.com, or post anonymously on the comments below.

Dear Miss Emmy:
I had my nails, toes, and eyebrows done at a new salon that piqued my interest due to it's billing as a "wine spa/beauty salon."  Cha Ching!!  The total for services rendered was $65.00 (beyond reasonable). The manicurist and I got along like a house afire-- she being class of '74, Michigandress in diaspora, the victim of traumatic online dating, etc. and buckets of fun...I was feeling so jolly (drunk), absolutely adored my color selection (mayhaps not quite apropos for a job interview with an employer so obsessed with conservative appearances they don't hire fat people), I left the the new gal a $15.00 booze-enhanced tip, and my e-mail address.
See below (r.).

"Rock Royalty."
My Freudian way of saying
"I don't want your fricking cube job."


Following the interview (during which I randomly gnoshed on my M & M ring in order to maintain my blood sugar as the job sounded like suicide in a pop-top can), I headed up to visit you Emmy. While we were floating around the lake in NC listening to Bob Marley & working on our tans, new gal e-mailed me hoping to introduce me to a tall Jew whose back she waxes.  As an aside, she informs me she's moving to a new, salon, that is not a wine spa.  She wants to meet me at a cool wine bar to listen Flamenco guitar after work this Friday.

Meanwhile,one of my nails fell off, and the toes are chipping.  Here's the deal, her professional services are no longer required due to the aforementioned reasons.  I'd like to be her friend (she's a good ole gal), and possibly meet the tall Jew. What's Babs to do?
 
Dear Babs:
E-mail this kindred spirit and take her up on her Friday invite. Over drinks you can discuss the tall Jew, and learn some important dating criteria, such as whether he's smart, funny, and how often he has to wax that hairy back, and just how nasty it gets in between waxings. She will certainly notice the egregious missing nail, and will probably offer to fix it free of charge.

If the tall Jew sounds reasonably intriguing, with no glaring red flags such as multiple divorces, residing with his mother, or god forbid, gynecomastia, then perhaps you can agree to meet him for coffee at a convenient Starbucks.

You needn't worry about whether or not you want to continue with her nail services. A friendship with her should not be based on your business, but on the camaraderie you share with her; otherwise, it's as if you're paying to be her friend, which of course, does not pass muster with..
...Miss Emmy

Happy Birthday Baby Bea...

Happy Birthday Doll Girl.  I can't begin to tell you what you mean to me...let's start with...everything.

Buckets and buckets of love...
--Your Mom

Cuz you deserve a smile!!!

Stumbled upon the ghetto fab "Hooligans" when searching for a video tutorial on how to play the maracas...more about the maracas later, but I thought this might start your week off with a smile.