To: Babs The Bitch
From: Postmistress Vicki
Dear Babs:
To: Postmistress Vicki
From: Babs The Bitch
Ick Vick....that's disturbing. She should not be doing that. If my grandmother wasn't dead, she would pass out if she could see that. I bet that frickin hurts the baby, and promotes stretch marks. Call me old school, but that’s just not right.
Your forthright friend,
Babs
To: Heather
From : Postmistress Vicki
Hi Heather:
My friend Babs wanted me to make sure you got her thoughts on your yoga pose. Btw, Babs can't do yoga as it makes her fart!
me (your Mom)
To: Postmistress Vicki
From: Heather
Subject: Re: FW: redefining baby bump in week 33
Vicki:
Tell Babs to shut up, get a real name, and stop living in fear.
To: Heather
Cc: Postmistress Vicki
From: Babs the Bitch
Ha! Regarding names... Heather, Babs was a Saint, while Heather’s merely a fugly weed that grows in Scotland. Also Saint Babs is invoked against lightning strikes and sudden death, so baby girl, you better start giving your mother the props she deserves (start by calling her "Mom" better yet, "Mother dearest"...as you are not her equal). And just for the record, Babs does yoga. See below:
Oh my. First of all, 'Hi' to Vicki! :)
ReplyDeleteSecond -- just because you CAN do something doesn't always mean you should.
Egads! I'm with you on this one, Babs! Just because Mom's body is conditioned to stretching in every direction, doesn't mean the baby is ready for yoga -- I picture his little nose being crushed against a rib, or his wrist being twisted, or god forbid, the umbilical cord tightening around his tiny neck as she presses into the pose. How does she know where that cord is? (It was wrapped tightly around my son's neck when I was trying to deliver him...) Sometimes fear serves a purpose!
ReplyDeleteYea, gals, the whole thing has been giving me in utero nightmares. I think the baby's head and face will be markedly amphibian like. But Vicki's got bigger fish to fry. Heather lives on a commune, and is going to give birth in a squatting drum circle, and then eat the placenta. Also, Heather feels that baby's should not be clothed. That's tough during the long Pennsylvania winters.
ReplyDeleteYikes. I thought Heather was living in a warmer climate.
ReplyDeleteYea, Heather can see Canada from her front porch.
ReplyDelete