Note to self: Do not send condolence notes to bereaved when under the influence of product

Dear friend Emma Eiderdown was most egregiously traumatized yesterday.  She had agreed to meet her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Perkins for coffee.  Dude shows up, perky all right.  In fact he was sorely in need of a 55DD cup to contain his perkiness.  The man has gained 20 lbs., and it went, well you can guess where.  The medical term for this condition is known as gynecomastia.  

So last night Emma and I are digitally rehashing the day, when we decide cocktails just aren't taking the edge off the bogus-ness of "moobs" in a mock tee. What we need to do is re-hash this day.
  
B:  We need some product to get us through this.
E:  It's a little early for me....But what the hell, I've had a rotten day. I cried so hard when I saw Mr. Perkins I got snot all over my clothes.  And remember my friend Debbie, the one who lived in the school bus for awhile, and presently lives in a barn, THAT Debbie? She's coming over later, so, yeah, I deserve an early bowl!

One hour later, and Em and Babs are all "Harold and Kumared" out & jonesing for White Castle. 

 B:  ....only problem w/product is I start thinking about taking a taxi to IHOP for some blueberry "flapjacks."

E:   ...with a stop off at Howard Johnson's, for some Tendersweet Fried Clams....
B:  Yum, with a final stop at the Cheesecake Factory for sweet potato fries?
E: Let's do it!
B:  Not tonight, how 'bout on my birthday? 
E:  I suddenly can't remember if your birthday is the 5th or the 25th....can you believe this shit?!!!  
B:  Thinking, WTF bitch has known me since kindergarten and she can't remember my birthday?
E:  I tell you....WHY AM I TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT???? Do you realize it has taken me a freakin' HOUR to try to type my wandering thoughts......Help me pick a date -- 

One hour later, feeling even better... Mr. Perkins, taxis to HoJos, and birthdays have been totally forgotten...along with Debbie who lives in a barn.

E:  Babs you need to help me.  I need to write a note of condolence to my neighbor Rose, whose mother died today, and I can't write worth a shit tonight.  Can you help me -- it's right up your alley, along with obituaries, grave plotting, and tombstone epitaphs!  Please, Babs please, could you write me a condolence note?
B:  Dear Rose:Please know I am thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. My most heartfelt condolences.
E: Can you write me another quickie that isn't quite this formal? I think I figured it out. Rose would rather have a hug than a handshake......Does that make sense? Or am I being high?
B: Dear Rose:  I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Please know that I am here for you should you need a shoulder to cry on, a cup of tea, or a snort of brandy.
E:  Not quite, one more time?  Please ?
B:  Dear Rose:  My Dentist has just gifted me with some fine ass hydroponic product, that I am certain would make you feel much better during these troubling times. Please give me a jingle and we'll make it happen sooner rather than later.
E:  Ha!  Love it!
B:  Hit "send" for the love of God.
E:  Oops, I just did.