40 acres, a mansion, and a mule....

... it can be yours urban pioneers.  If I was a younger woman, and Detroit wasn't in such close geographic proximity to my family, and if it didn't get so GD cold, this might be a place for a hardy [soul] to eke out a post apolocolypitc American Dream, or nightmare....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OpXhd7iau8

Thank you Lana.

"Advantage: Detroit. Quit bullying the defenseless"

Michael Moore pens an excellent post about the woe-begottens, even in the world of professional sports---

http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/mike-friends-blog/detroit-youre-out-even-when-youre-not



Reverse tourism.   Photo op for visitors from Florida at the infamous Detroit "train station."  At least their smiles are a bit rueful and introspective, as if it would be totally disrepectful to flash a perfect set of pearly whites at this temple of doom.  Also the body language of their heads tilting toward each other speaks volumes. 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_SC88Cba0o

He who lives by the Segway dies by the Segway

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/eu_britain_segway_death

Snapped this picture of a possee of overweight Segway riders that descended like a plague of locusts on the White House while visiting DC earlier this year.   

Alex Sink First Woman and Next Governor of the State of Florida

Unusual heritage.  I knew there was something else I liked about her besides being a super efficient CFO of the State of Florida, honest, hard-working, likabale, and calling me on the phone once.

http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/alex-sink-says-grit-and-pride-were-legacy-of-famous-ancestors-siamese/1123894

Dead Hand of Don Bosco

...Or, why being RC rocks.


"Hey getting out of school to see a mummified hand is so cool!"

On Thursday thousands of Catholic school students in St. Petersburg paraded across town in festive tee shirts to see the relics, specifically the wax corpse and actual mummified hand of long dead Saint Don Bosco.  Please review the video & story from St. Pete Times before you proceed. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHeBeHJNgU0

http://www.tampabay.com/news/religion/saint-don-boscos-relics-arrive-in-st-petersburg/1123752

Frankly I dig a religion whose leader sports red Prada loafers, and still adheres to pagan druid magic.  Hey you couldn't pay me to be a "Free Methodist." No flair or phun in that religion.  Okay some things about Papistry really suck, like pedastry, Mel Gibson, the Spanish Inquisition, 2nd class status of women, etc.  But bleeding statues coming to life, incense, stigmata, Madonna & GaGa in one lifetime, and the normalcy of owning a cat o' nine tails-- I ask you,  what's not to like?

Un-datable Cars

My work husband, Feckless Piker, and I had to attend a workshop this week on proper usage of the semicolon.  We drove in Piker's car that smelled like a colon. The unmistakable  miasma of rotting garbage assaulted my olfactory senses the minute I sat myself, like Miss Muffett on a Tuffet, on top of days old newspapers and trash littering the passenger seat.

"Dude your car has bad BO." 
"Oh, it's the garbage bag in the trunk."
"WTF?  Next time we're taking my car, are you sure it's not a severed head or the corpse of your Granny back there?"

Let me remind you we live in Florida.  In September the ambient air temp percolates to an afternoon high of 95 degrees.  The Piker has been tooling around town with a black plastic bag of rotting Kentucky Fried Chicken bones, banana peels, dirty Q tips, and who knows what else, fermenting in his trunk for a week.

"Dude you have cockroaches in this car."
"No I don't, you are SUCH a drama queen.  Where's the cockroach?"
"I can hear them scampering.  And why is there flypaper hanging from the rearview mirror, and 2 mouse traps in the back?"
 

To add insult to injury, a small flotilla of sea gulls followed, circling the motorized biohazard, pecking at the windows (requiring they remain rolled up), as if this vehicle was a garbage scowl on wheels.

We walked into the workshop, much to the consternation of fellow attendees, wreaking of eau d'garbage.

It's a step up from Piker's previous vehicle which necessitated I crawl in the passenger window to sit up front, or sit in the back ala Ms. Daisy, eking out a space amidst dirty underwear, and petrie dishes of Chik-Fil-A and Checkers detritus (and probably used condoms).  To add to the horror of riding in the old scowl, it had no air conditioning.  Battery powered oscillating fans from the Dollar Store provided relief during the warmer months of the year. Valets refused to park that car as they were afraid of contracting flesh eating bacteria.

Piker, your car was brand new and pristine a few short months ago.  It has slid into vehicular squalor with  alarming alacrity.  You ain't never gonna get laid,* or be a raconteur/bon vivant/ladies man if you insist on driving Grey Gardens on wheels.

Stay tuned for Part II of "Undatable/un-doable cars."

*Possible exception.  If you're lucky, a syphallictic, heavily tattoed, mind the gap, muffin-topped, carney girl taking tickets at "Cracker Country" at the Florida State Fair.

Buzz up! Barbara Holland, 1933–2010: The writer who celebrated her vices

From The Week posted on September 16, 2010, at 9:31 AM

Barbara Holland thought the American obsession with health and fitness was taking the fun out of life. “I’m in favor of a little more sociability, a little more merriment, maybe even a little more singing and dancing,” she told an interviewer after the publication of her 15th and final book, The Joy of Drinking, published just before Mother’s Day, 2007. “I was kind of hoping,” she said, “people would buy it for their mothers.”

Holland, who died this week of lung cancer at age 77, had a knack for making indulgence and excess look reasonable. Her essays, which “sang the simple pleasures of drinking martinis, cursing, and eating fatty foods,” struck a chord with readers, said The New York Times. Her fans kept an earlier book, Endangered Pleasures—a witty paean to a wide range of bad habits—in print for more than 15 years. But she was more than an advocate for vice. Her subjects ranged from her unhappy childhood in a Washington, D.C., suburb to her own “unsparingly” described abortion to the foibles of American presidents.

Holland “discovered her love for writing at an early age,” said the Loudon, Va., Times. As a teenager, she twice won National Scholastic poetry competitions, and once she graduated from high school, she wrote magazine articles to supplement her income as an advertising copywriter. Married and divorced three times, she wrote often in praise of solitude and self-sufficiency, pointedly rejecting Virginia Woolf’s claim that talented women required an allowance along with a quiet room in order to thrive. “No, Mrs. Woolf,” she wrote. “A job, Mrs. Woolf.”

Derek Cheater?

Give this man the Academy Award?

Your call?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lls-EKAKxV8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI67_vqkEkY

Indeed, one of the myriad reasons the Wankees are THE most hated team in baseball and Babsville.

"Detroit 1-8-7"

My peeps, if you're still vertical, even if you're horizontal, check it out tonight on ABC at 10:00 pm. 
http://abc.go.com/shows/detroit-1-8-7/video-detail/featured/pl_PL5565329

Babs just made a reservation to fly to Detroit on Christmas Day.  With the "9/11 fee," plus my checked suitcase (all cosmetics), Spirit Airlines charged me a grand total of $15.00 for one way airfare into the Motown. 

Remember last Christmas?  The underpants bomber flew into Detroit?  That combined with the average ambient air temperature of 17 degrees BELOW ZERO, make Detroit a less than "in demand"' destination for Holiday travellers. That said, the flight back to the Sunshine State cost me a pint of blood and plasma, respectively, a kidney, plus 3 alimony checks from Fang. 

Consider me your embedded correspondent.  Going into the line of fire to report back to you from the mean streets of the Motor City (okay, I am staying in Grosse Pointe, but it's close to Detroit).  Also, my sister Mame and I are on a mission to waterboard, with Glenn Livett product, our aging Auntie who holds in her addled brain some deep dark family secrets we want unearthed.

I am also hoping to get a lot of use out of my new, used, mink jacket.  My brother in law, Kip, keeps his house so GD cold, as all good members of the tribe are wont, that I'll probably have to wear this baby 24/7.       

Even without Tebow it was still a good football weekend...

Check out the "little giant" play by the Michigan State Spartans.  This is why American football kicks European futball's ass, just sayin'. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNdCbC36Qyk&feature=player_embedded



The Spartans know there's no crying in football.



Live your Dreams- Day of Atonement

You want your car back?

Here it is bitch.  A little wet, but the title's in the glove box.  Happy Day of Atonement, Fang!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOzdfaEPaR0

Is Christine O'Donnell Catholic?

This creature isn't fit to lace the gladiator stilletos of the likes of true (excommunicated) Catholics-- Madonna and GaGa.  Despite her faux Catholic name, readers, Christine O'Donnell is NOT R.C.  I hacked into the super secret database Vatican Central Witch Burning Registry dot com to verify this fact.     

Call central casting we need a younger, more insane version of Sarah Palin...

"I detest what you say; I will defend to the death your right to say it."
--Voltaire

"I detest what you say: I will defend to the death my right to have a wank."
--Babs

Tuesday's Mailbag

Dear Readers:

Below please find a smattering of the random love I receive via the world wide interwebs.

Unlike the rest of this blog, none of this is conjured nor fabricated from the whole cloth fertile imagination of Babs, every word of it is true. Folks, keep those cards and letters coming.


 

Subject: "Navel Gazing"

Date: September 12, 2010 9:54:07 PM PDT

To: Babs The Bitch

Dear Babs:

You are in some self deluded funny person parade of your own.

You are Muamar Gadaffi and I am the USAF 10th Tactical Air Command, bitch!!

Sincerely,

Guido

Subject: A nudge from Match.com

Date:  September 13, 2010 1:50:54 PM PDT

To: Babs the Bitch

Dear Babs:

Regarding your inquiry as to my living arrangements.  Yes, I was incarcerated...Bank and an armored car.  One assault, no injury.  Seventeen years in Federal Pen altogether.  Just realeased and living in a transition "facility."  I am tall and slender in USMC shape with lots of tatts.
Sincerely,
Chas.


Subject: "This Moment"

Date: September 13, 2010 9:54:07 PM PDT 

To: Babs the Bitch

Dear Babs: 

Please donate $5 or more to help grow this movement in the critical weeks ahead: https://donate.barackobama.com/ 
XXOO,
President Barack Obama  

It's all happening in Gainesville on Saturday...

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/fcb4ff33b2/burn-a-quran-day-dc-douglas-tweaks-hate-churches

Toxicology says...

This chick was WASTED!!
http://southwest.bakersfieldnow.com/content/coroner-doctor-died-asphyxia-chimney

Garbage Night

Just sayin'

The greatest slang phrase that appears to have gone viral.  It holds harmless the utterer of the offending statement with no need for citation or source of defense.

"Just sayin,' your boyfriend is a total douche." 

"Just sayin,' I think 'American Idol' is for retards."

"Just sayin,' have you ever thought he may not call you from Seattle cuz he's got a girlfriend there? (underbreath, dumb bitch)"

Emasculation of the Alpha Male

My guy friends bemoan the phenomenon known as the "de-balling" of the American man by the American woman.  A few examples, guys pushing strollers, walking lap dogs, and breast feeding babies.

Fellas, this Bitch concurs.  Politically correct American woman not only wants to exterminate you, she hates dominatrix bitches such as myself.  To wit some recent e-mail...

"Babs, you need to channel your inner Dali Lama. Find serenity and acceptance and marvel at the wonders and beauty of daily life. Suspend judgment and reaction. Look at the soul, not the face.  Namaste."

Dear reader, kindly fuck off!!!  To quote from one of the greatest movies of the modern era, "In the Loop."

Lt. Gen. George Miller: That's funny. What about you, pussy drip? Ever kill anyone?

Malcolm Tucker: Maiming's what I prefer. Psychologically.
Lt. Gen. George Miller: Yeah? Why don't you try to maim me? I'll hit you so hard in the face you'll be shitting teeth.

Blogalicious!!

I love it when I'm at a meeting and the chair says, "now for some 'housekeeping.'"  Just pops my language cork. 

Anywho (another corker), some blogtastic housekeeping news on value added dashboard items added  to "The Bitch:" 

• "Old Timey" words, and a poll on the sidebar.
• At the bottom, please find some of the Bitch's favorite ephemera from the world wide interwebs.
• Monthly meeting of the "Libacious Librarians & Philospophers" begins tomorrow promptly at 5:03 pm at Dunderbak's.  Secret password to be seated at our table "hornswaggle."
• As always, no matter how MEAN, please keep your comments to yourself.  No "just joshin'" as they say in Palinese.  Please folks, keep those card and letters coming.

All my love,
Babs