The Men of Match Dot Com

My "friends" have encouraged me to put away the things of childhood and get a real, as opposed to imaginary, boyfriend.  Better yet, they want me to stop dating married men. 

Imaginary boyfriends and married men are much easier to manage than real ones-- who actually want to see you and go out with you, and be with you, and call you, and snore. 










Since I've been in 4th grade I've had a consecutive string of real (loser) boyfriends and/or husbands.  After the Fang debacle I swore off men forever. Forever lasted 3 months.

Here are my requirements:

1.  He's not gay (if you're reading this, you know who you are).
2.  He's not married (if you're reading this you know who you are).
3.  He has a J-O-B so he doesn't bug me all day long.
4.  He can afford to build me a large above ground crypt.

5.  Is funny, can make me laugh.

6.  Understands sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
7.  Doesn't drop his 'g s ala Todd Palin.

8.  I'd like  him to be tall and slim and look like this:

Or this:

A colleague of mine hit a real home run on Match Dot Com.  She is now going out with Bear Grylls.

 

What the heck, I thought, I'll give this online dating thing a try.  Well, needless to say it's not working out as well as I'd hoped.  Below please find a sampling of the real life matches I've received (and let me state for the record I've made it crystal clear to that goddamn match dot com robot what I'm looking for).

It's been an exhausting day of nursing a hangover, doing absolutely, nothing interspered with napping, and managing my match dot com dating life.  So I must bid you adieau and reiterate that, fellas, this bitch ain't never gonna respond to you in the real or virtual world, if you are, or do, or have, any of the following:

1.  If I have been  married to you, even for a short time.

2.  Wear lambchop sideburns (that's so 19th century).

3.  Wear a speedo bathing suit.

4.  Ride a motorcycle.

5.  Sport a comb over.

6.  Wear a rug.

7.  Obviously color your hair (Paul McCartney this means you).

8.  You are retired (way too much time to bug me).

9.  Don't know that "bogart" is a verb.

10.  Earn your living as a Mime or a Clown.

11.  Play duplicate, honeymoon, or any other kind of card game know as "bridge."

And last, but not least. 

12..  If, like King Tut, you suffer from gynecomastia. 

Look that one up in your Funk & Wagnalls.