And I missed "Boardwalk Empire" for this...?



Thank God I have HBO on demand, as I feel dirty after foregoing the above-referenced stellar series  to watch "Sarah Palin's Alaska" for the second time.

First of all, life in the Palin household is chaos incarnate. Who are all these people? I grew up in a family of seven children and never did disorder, and random comings and goings prevail to the point of distraction the likes of those which appear to be 'business as usual" in the Palin household. Does anyone have a regular day job?  That said, Todd and Sarah seem to feel no compunction whatsoever in pimping out their children for hire and/or manual labor.

Yes, Alaska is beautiful, yet so very shabby, and uncomfortably cold on the 4th of July. At least from my limited visit to the Last Frontier, they're showing the real deal-- glorious squalor. I thought Juneau one step removed from a campy, down on it's luck, house of mirrors.

Can you imagine being a beautiful teenage girl and stuck in that godforsaken fish camp all summer? And can someone, for the love of God, please clean up the mess in Granny's front yard?

I have had enough of this charade!! Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to grandstand herself and her divisive agenda. One can only hope bitch with a beehive heeds Barbara Bush's (original Babs the Bitch) sage advice..."go back to Alaska, and stay there."

69% increase in gonorreah in Alaska

Regular readers of this blog are aware of my fascination with both the number 69 and the state of Alaska.  Hence, I found the following article piqued my interest http://www.adn.com/2010/11/25/1573143/alaska-fighting-uphill-battle.html.

Dear readers, if you want to stay warm, healthy, and protect your liver, not to mention the mental instability caused by being a neighbor of the Palins...I suggest you do not move to, or even visit, the Last Frontier, as it is chock full of Palins, bears, and syphallictic drunks packing heat. 

My PSA for today.

You can touch the junk!

In anticipation of a gate rape I wore my high church Vicky's knickers on my flight north to Dixie on Tuesday.  Hoping for a Denzel look alike TSA agent that would take care of bidness, I was highly disappointed to find out...no action at security. 

Once again, the media have brewed up a tempest in a teapot for the ferret like consumption of the American public. I was giddy with  anticipation as I arrived airside, only to be disappointed by no muss, no fuss-- I'm surprised the TSA weren't handing out candy apples or wax lips.

I did however notice an overwhelming number of dogs... no not the girls of Tampa, but real K-9's taking care of bidness with fuzz packing heat.  It is my fondest Thanksgiving wish-- that Fang (the ex) get busted, if not masticated and mauled, by one these hybrid wolves whilst en route to Mommy's for Thanksgiving dinner at the Golden Corral "all-you-can-eat" senior citizen buffet.

Psst boys... "product" be double bagged in the bottom of the golf bag, and/or camoflagued as a nasty Newport on the person of aforesaid misdemeanoring felonious skallawag.

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Upspeak" or "High Rising Terminal"



Last weekend I attended the annual GRML conference in where else?  St. Petersburg...the city of revolutions and radicals.  While attending a particularly content-rich seminar on "Book Burning 101," I was affronted by the speakers' patently ridiculous usage of an affectation known as "upspeak."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_rising_terminal

The speaker was academically credentialed from here to Harvard Square, and she sho nuff did know how to burn a book... but puh-lease, bitch, how could you expect an audience to give credence to your presentation when every sentence was posed as a highly tentative question beseeching approval? 

Upon completion of this 90 minute oratorical nightmare, I was in need of a strong libation...really, when am I not in need of a strong libation?  That said, acceptance of this perversion of our language cannot be borne by this old school radical militant librarian.  My hairdresser, Lorraine feels it's her mission on earth to rid the world of "comb overs" one at a time; likewise, I intend to attack this linguistic epidemic like a momba whence next confronted with this "baby pooped her pants" style of speech.

If I had my druthers I'd  post haste slap a stop pay on Miss Thang's substantial speaking honorarium...as an overtly bogus oxymoron, if not outright breach of contract.  Go back to middle school little girl, and while you're at it, take your god damned Kindle and shove it up your well-toned ass. 

Let the games begin...

I LOVE my new Doctor!!

Dr Long Dong Dick

As an informed medical consumer, and following an an arduous and exhausting year long search, I have finally settled on an outstanding Internal Medicine primary care physician who accepts my shitty Blue Cross/Blue Shield State of Florida insurance and believes in evidence as the basis for all sound medical practice.

As an informed consumer, and owner of the medical care I receive, I carefully pondered questions to ask Dr. Dick before our initial appointment. 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

 Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

I'm not ready to make nice...



After

 

Before

I know you said,
"Can't you just get over it?"

It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it



Bitterness is totally underrated.
xxxo
--Babs

It's so sexy, living in America...

Enjoy the following video and Happy Veteran's Day!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdA2SAdSgc0

From the bottom of my heart--deepest thanks to my Grandparents for getting run out of town on a rail!! 

 

Ski Bob. Cool or queer?




 

P.T Cruiser of the slopes. Hey babe wanna ride on my bob?

A friend of mine, who has always been cool, informed me he bought a "ski bob" over the weekend.

WTF say I?

Called an emergency impromptu focus group of peeps to gauge their hipster reactions... which ranged from "beat down," "un-datable," "ain't gonna get laid," to "patently bogus," and finally, "do you want the truth?"

Dude, the consensus is, if you're not handicapped or a paraplegic, and if you gotta sit to make it down the hill, why not simply procure yo' badself  a cafeteria tray?  Honey, there's got to be an easier way to score oxycodone.

Old friend, why don't you just chill in the lodge with a double bourbon on the rocks?  You're gonna lose your cred, your friends, and ain't nobody but the Palins or the Duggars be trippin' on them "ski bobs."

P.S. Hey Ethan Frome, what's the cost of one of them bad boys?

"Is that Irish for Bitch?"

Who doesn't love a vigorous lobby scene, especially at the Atlantic City Ritz? 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQm332sqPTQ

Barbra Streisand

Official song of December 30, 2010 Garage Dance Party (thanks Madge):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWhtcU4-xAM

In the cooler (thanks for the BOGO Publix):

http://www.floridabeer.com/1_keywest_page.html

 

Alaskan Literacy?

An oxymoron?  According to Wonkette "the usual expression of Alaskan literacy is a sad face 'drawn' with urine in the dirty snow behind a tattoo parlor."  Ha!  let Babs spice it up "...a Shakespearean expression, of angst, after a night of banging moonshine boilermakers at the amateur pole dancing contest held at the Sawlty Dawg... "


Courtesy of Juneau Chamber of Commerce

Sad Lisa Lisa Murkowski thinks the citizenry of AK possess the capacity to not only write in her polysyllabic surname, AND fill in the oval next to the name?  Honey, if the folk could make their mark, "x," next to your purty face, you'd be lucky.  (No flouride in AK).

Lisa Murkowski

Can't blame you for trying girl, and those big crocodile tears.  At least your name isn't Blagojevich. 

It would be mighty hard to trade this...

For this...

No Plot? No Problem.

Happy National Novel Writing Month!

Thirty days and nights of literary abandon.  The key is quantity over quality. Don’t stop, don’t look back, don’t revise. Revision is for December. Focus, instead, on pounding out an average of 1,667 words per day. Get a first draft done. People who make the 50K-goal “win.”  Their prize: the manuscript itself “and the exhilarating feeling of setting an ambitious creative goal and nailing it,” says the NaNoWriMo website.

“Due to the go-go-go structure of the event, the stultifying pressure to write brilliant, eternal prose had been lifted,” NaNoWriMo’s website assures me... “in its place is the pleasure of learning by doing, of taking risks, of making messes, of following ideas just to see where they lead.”

Taking risks, making messes, and seeing where they lead?...sign me up!!